Thursday, December 2, 2010

Blast from the Past

I got an email yesterday.
From the first guy who broke my heart.
It wasn’t the first time we had exchanged mails. ( I had sent a ‘Hi, long time’ message on face book and got the same soulless ‘fine and how are you’ response) but I just knew this would be different. From email we went on to chat. And within the first two sentences, he says

I probably owe you a number of apologies.. dunno where 2 start
Apologies? Wow. well, lets begin....I'm all ears (In reality, it felt like someone had given me a sucker punch in the guts. I had waited 10 yrs to hear that…)

I think I can sum it all up by saying that you deserved to be treated so much better than I did.. you needed someone reliable .. I wasn't that person then.. my head was all over the place.. made so many mistakes..

A brief rundown
We had a mutual friend Rob. We all used to hang out together when we could. I loved his Barry White looks. He loved my chocolattey wit.
Then one day we found ourselves alone without Rob hovering over. And we got talking. Really got talking.
And fell in love.
He spoke to my 21 yr old heart in a way no one has come close to. I think the first love letter he wrote me is still somewhere in my archives at home. Where he gave me all the reasons why we should be together. How he would 'fly me to the moon and back if I'd be his baby'. How he wants us to be married by 27 and have 3 children. He even had their names picked out – the first would be Kikelomo (means 'my child to love'). I mean that was my first marriage proposal!
We had only just begun. 5 months. The future was bright and rosy. He was the only guy I have spent the triathlon with.
Anywho, before I could tattoo ‘sweet fanny adams’ on my chest, my Barry White disappeared on me.
Went to the UK for a holiday and never came back. I looked for him. online. offline. Wrote to his father, friends, called his family. But no one knew where he was. Initially.

I dunno.. wanted to be independent of my dad's money.. was disillusioned with comp sc from the stone age @ School.. When I first got here, no one in my family would help me cause I had defied my dad. lost a lot of confidence.. was a bit depressed. I figured you wouldn't want to know me cause I'd let you down... Thought you would have moved on... I did miss you but I kinda accepted I'd blown it..
I don’t know how many times I dreamt of him coming back for me in a white Porsche. I don’t know how many times I prayed for his safety and success cause I knew where he was coming from. I felt it in my bones he was having it tough. I don’t know how many times I cried. 
But one thing I could never do was hate him for breaking my heart. I guess first loves can just about get away with murder.
I finally gave up/in after 2 years of waiting.
Then 3 years ago, I discovered his brother on the internet. Stalked his page awhile, sent him messages which went unanswered. Then one day he uploaded happy wedding pictures of Barry White and a preggy wife.
I was gutted. But I was also happy. Happy to know he was okay. Happy to know he was doing fine. Happy to know he had someone to love him.

I'm still surprised you don't hate me.
Why ever? I could never hate him. But I was human enough to be hurt and wonder why I was rejected. Why someone could let me go. Let go of something wonderful. My fledgling confidence in myself as a girl ‘a man flies to the moon and back for’ took a hit that it never truly recovered from.

I'm really sorry.. never meant to hurt you.. you deserved better.
Maybe. Maybe not. But I did appreciate that apology. Cos no matter how inane ‘I am sorry’ is, it does have its place and time in history. And like I told him, it reminded me again of the sweet guy who swept me off my feet.

It's all flooding back into my head.. we had a good time together, didn't we? sigh.
Yeah we did.

I still don’t know how I feel. Relieved. Nostalgic. Closure.
…..Life goes on.

10 comments:

  1. Wow, that's heavy. I really don't know much of this story and I feel a sense of closure. It would be nice to have the whole story when things like this happen.

    Also, you're a remarkable person for being able to accept what he's telling you without feeling like you want to hurt him back. He seems very vulnerable and you seem like a safe haven for him.

    That's nice to see.

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  2. "...I feel.....Closure." 10years is never to long to water-down the effect of a true closure. Now, and only now (though you realised it not, then) can "…..Life go(es) on."


    Hmmm, since you decided to share, "No, he wasn’t.... Nor had I had a first then." feel free.

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  3. i totally relate to this post.
    my ex broke up with me 3 years ago over an SMS TEXT!!!
    i was hurt.... he kept in touch, or wait, he wanted to keep in touch, but at times i would disappear and be silent for months, before he contacts me again. i guess he still had some feelings for me. because i was the one who broke contact each time, and everytime he would come back.
    so recently this summer, we met. the first time in 3 years! can u believe that?! i was kinda nervous, but i didn't care. but i was excited about seeing him, because i still cared for him.
    but the way he looked at me, made jokes about me and stuff, made me wonder "What does he want? I can see that he still loves me."
    after that, i didn't want to meet again. it's for the best.
    still no one but him can make me feel the way he did. *sigh/pulling me eyes out* lol
    well, people may call it puppy love, but the was something about him.
    i was fascinated about him. pure beauty


    www.bloodyredanddesired.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so sorry this happened and I know it was painful. I am glad you got an apology even after all these years. I guess the guy just wasn't mature enough when you met him to do the right thing. Well, it's over and now you can go find the "real right one"!

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  5. Well, that was manly for him to own up to his mistake. I'll give him that. At least you got an apology. I'm still waiting for mine.

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  6. Such a mature way to handle the conversation. Glad I read it, and glad you're doing well. Our experiences shape us into the people we become, but only depending on our perspectives. Yours was a good perspective. :)

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  7. Thank you blogFam. I really needed this for closure. It was like a wound i nursed for years. I never let it get infected. I'd let it heal over, then tear at the scab.
    Now he's put a band aid on it, I know it will heal perfectly...

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm still pissed at my high school girlfriend for dumping me for an artist--a painter artist instead of a writer artist. My only satisfaction is that he probably earns even less than I do.

    "I don’t know how many times I dreamt of him coming back for me in a white Porsche."

    Great line, Ginger. Screw the white horse. A Porsche is much better!

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  9. The thing that amazes me the most is how they marvel at the fact that you don't hate them. Seriously how could I ever? I won't carry about hatred in my heart for anyone.

    I am not waiting for an apology.. seeing him earlier this year at Victoria station did all that for me. if at some point in his life he sees the need to say sorry then great other than that.. I have moved on.

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  10. Sounds like someone has been thinking about you and perhaps has been thinking about having you back! LOL!

    ReplyDelete

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