I got an email yesterday.
From the first guy who broke my heart.
It wasn’t the first time we had exchanged mails. ( I had sent a ‘Hi, long time’ message on face book and got the same soulless ‘fine and how are you’ response) but I just knew this would be different. From email we went on to chat. And within the first two sentences, he says
I probably owe you a number of apologies.. dunno where 2 start
Apologies? Wow. well, lets begin....I'm all ears (In reality, it felt like someone had given me a sucker punch in the guts. I had waited 10 yrs to hear that…)
I think I can sum it all up by saying that you deserved to be treated so much better than I did.. you needed someone reliable .. I wasn't that person then.. my head was all over the place.. made so many mistakes..
A brief rundown
We had a mutual friend Rob. We all used to hang out together when we could. I loved his Barry White looks. He loved my chocolattey wit.
Then one day we found ourselves alone without Rob hovering over. And we got talking. Really got talking.
And fell in love.
He spoke to my 21 yr old heart in a way no one has come close to. I think the first love letter he wrote me is still somewhere in my archives at home. Where he gave me all the reasons why we should be together. How he would 'fly me to the moon and back if I'd be his baby'. How he wants us to be married by 27 and have 3 children. He even had their names picked out – the first would be Kikelomo (means 'my child to love'). I mean that was my first marriage proposal!
We had only just begun. 5 months. The future was bright and rosy. He was the only guy I have spent the triathlon with.
Anywho, before I could tattoo ‘sweet fanny adams’ on my chest, my Barry White disappeared on me.
Went to the UK for a holiday and never came back. I looked for him. online. offline. Wrote to his father, friends, called his family. But no one knew where he was. Initially.
I dunno.. wanted to be independent of my dad's money.. was disillusioned with comp sc from the stone age @ School.. When I first got here, no one in my family would help me cause I had defied my dad. lost a lot of confidence.. was a bit depressed. I figured you wouldn't want to know me cause I'd let you down... Thought you would have moved on... I did miss you but I kinda accepted I'd blown it..
I don’t know how many times I dreamt of him coming back for me in a white Porsche. I don’t know how many times I prayed for his safety and success cause I knew where he was coming from. I felt it in my bones he was having it tough. I don’t know how many times I cried.
But one thing I could never do was hate him for breaking my heart. I guess first loves can just about get away with murder.
I finally gave up/in after 2 years of waiting.
Then 3 years ago, I discovered his brother on the internet. Stalked his page awhile, sent him messages which went unanswered. Then one day he uploaded happy wedding pictures of Barry White and a preggy wife.
I was gutted. But I was also happy. Happy to know he was okay. Happy to know he was doing fine. Happy to know he had someone to love him.
I'm still surprised you don't hate me.
Why ever? I could never hate him. But I was human enough to be hurt and wonder why I was rejected. Why someone could let me go. Let go of something wonderful. My fledgling confidence in myself as a girl ‘a man flies to the moon and back for’ took a hit that it never truly recovered from.
I'm really sorry.. never meant to hurt you.. you deserved better.
Maybe. Maybe not. But I did appreciate that apology. Cos no matter how inane ‘I am sorry’ is, it does have its place and time in history. And like I told him, it reminded me again of the sweet guy who swept me off my feet.
It's all flooding back into my head.. we had a good time together, didn't we? sigh.
Yeah we did.
I still don’t know how I feel. Relieved. Nostalgic. Closure.
…..Life goes on.