Sunday, February 20, 2011

Why You're Not Married

**warning!! it’s a long read**

Well people, I saw this article by Tracy McMillian a TV writer for Mad men, United States of Tara about 6 top reasons why “You are not married”. She was addressing ladies but a guy who cares is welcome to read and learn. Talking to you Prof, Rethots.

Why does Ms McMillian think she can give advice? She says it’s cause she’s been married three times. So basically she knows how to get married but don’t come to her for advice about how to stay married. Lol. *Ginger scratches her head and wonders* Wouldn’t it have been wiser to be discerning enough to marry the ones who can also go the distance? Cause I think that sort of flaws her significant resume. I don’t want to get married just for today. I want the forever kind.

Sigh, I wish I could be like Mom and Sandra and Myne who don’t need to read these HOW TO articles anymore. They’re already living the life I am still waiting for, with its good and bad, highs and lows. I still believe God is the best match maker. I have read enough true stories to believe that unequivocally. But I also know that we have to help Him by doing things the right way. We should quit expecting him to make a silk purse out of the sow’s ears we chose without consulting Him.

So back to Tracy. According to her, the problem is not men, it's You. Cause -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. A bit brutal that, but true.
Anyway, here goes:

1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. At the first guy that broke your heart. And it's scaring men off. Female anger terrifies men.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. So we are back to the stereotype of men wanting a mom, a cook and a slut in bed?.

2. You're Shallow.

When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You're a Slut.

Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.
That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."
You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.

5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios. I'm not sure how this makes sense. Having babies attract husbands?

6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- being free-agent -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along.

What do you think?


  1. hmmm, interesting. i guess i'm not the best person to have my say on this, but really? is all that true? ok, i get the nr 2!, the slutty part and the nagry thing, the liar part.
    but, for real, are all women supposed to follow some rules just to get a husband? like they have to be on guard not to say the wrong things, do this and that? ....
    BUT it is hard to get a hubby.

    GiGi, what did u think of it ?

  2. I agree with some of her points but can not live my all this rules.

    Being single is blamed on a lot of things, I don't even know what to think again

  3. BP I dont know what to think anymore. I feel like wrapping myself under my duvet till prince charming comes to wake me up. Sleeping beauty had it easy i tell you.

    Hi Lara. Thanks for dropping by and commentin. I guess its not about living by every one of these man-attracting rules thrown at single girls. Sometimes one message resonates within you - an issue you need to work on. Sometimes they re a load of BS...*shrug

  4. I saw this article in HuffPo and thought she made a lot of sense. Back in the days when I cared about such things, I pretty much made every mistake she mentions. Of course now, having never been married and happily single, I realized that I just dodged a whole bunch of bullets.

  5. Well I read this article and I must say she hit a nerve. I also thinkshe should jump in a lake jare. People are single for different reasons. Sometimes it isn't by choice something it is. Next topic!

  6. "The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it"

    This bit said it all really. Struck a strong cord with me. Having to love someone even when he's being an annoying prick!!!!!

  7. Jayne - loving bullets Jayne, loving bullets. They dont kill :).

    Mamuje - she hit a raw nerve there I see. lol. Next topic - types of chocolate?

    Nice Anon - I loved that line too and can relate. Thats what we see in everyday marriages: our parents, our friends, our siblings and they still stick together inspite of it.

  8. Honestly, there are so many different versions of 'why you are not married'. I think it's a combination of a whole lot of issues. She's got a point here, but there are lots of women who are selfish, angry, liars, shallow, and married. So there :s

    I believe getting married is a combination of how ready you are, who you choose, God, and luck.


  9. "Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian."

    That was so cute!

  10. I don't believe in rules. Most of the men I know love crazy women. Does that make any sense? No, it does not. You love who you love. Relax and don't try too hard. I have a friend who would tell a man right after the first date, I want to get married and have children. Some guys ran. She married one who didn't.

  11. I think the angry female bit is really funny. But I honestly think it is more complicated than that.

    Men are simple creatures but once in a while, they get spooked. What if you have been in a relationship for years and everything works fine and just when you think he will marry you, he dumps you and marries the next thing that comes along. What about that instance? What oversimplified explanation is there?

    For a woman who has been married three times, she should write an article on "staying married."

  12. People are single not by choice at times and at times people are single because they claim they are looking for mr right. Every woman has a mr right for her, even though the person might not be the best. People should have standards but they should be realistic as well.

  13. @Tattytiara - easy to pls isnt he?

    @Mom - I think I am going to try your friend's method. fingers crossed.

    @LL - oversimplified explanation: wrong timing? it wasnt meant to be? bad luck?

    @Abigail- thanks for coming by and commenting. I am with you on 'realistic standards'!

  14. It's funny, but I read that article too a few days back on Huffington Post. I thought it was funny and I thought there was some truth, but I also thought it was weird that a person who divorced 3 times was giving advice. I've broken up 3 times, at least, so should I give commitment lessons? At the end of the day I think either you've met the right person or you haven't and if you want to marry you will. Now if you want to marry the right person than you need to be open minded in meeting that person. You will definitely live the life you want, but make sure while you're waiting for that "right life" that you enjoy the one you have right now! That's what I'm doing..LOL!

  15. Doesn't cut through for me....reasons seem not realistic to me.I believe a girl is not married because she has not found the right person. Leave all the these and that issues,I knw of ppl with crazy behavioral issues and these ones have gotten married to wonderful dudes.

  16. Just came over to this post from Nwuye, interesting. The last one got me thinking sha, it makes a lot of sense, just never considered it that way.

    1. You know!! I just read it again and it reminded me of the 'settling post'.



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