Friday, April 8, 2011

Doggies protest - I hate haute couture

I'm sure you've all seen this haute couture dog before. Well, here's the complaint from one I saw on Craigslist. Hilarious!!
Lady, just because your boyfriend doesn’t want to settle down, doesn’t mean you should pretend that I’m a real baby in hopes that he’ll play along in your twisted game of “house”. I promise you’re scaring him off, and it makes you look insane. Think about it, you dress me like a Gap employee and tote me around like a damned fashion accessory. It’s disgusting, and you need to get your sh*t straight. Meantime, you can stop force-feeding me Altoids, you bitch.
While I’m on the record, there are some other things I could do without. Yeah, as it turns out, I don’t really care for the ylang-ylang oil massage. It’s not relaxing, it actually hurts and generally creeps me out. In fact, it’s damn close to rape.
Oh, and next, I’m not actually a frigging vegetarian. Do you honestly think that I prefer couscous and tofu over my lamb and beef nuggets? Lettuce wraps? Are you serious… what is your problem? I would rather eat my own shit, and guess what, when you’re asleep, I do. Then I lick your face and laugh about it.

Don’t even get me started on my name. Louis Vuitton? You superficial bitch. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? I’m already wearing the gayest sweater since the "Cosby Show", but you insist on naming me after an expensive line of European handbags. Seriously! You make me look like a complete pussy and I hate you for it. For real, the next time you try to gel my hair, I will tear a hole in your windpipe. I swear, I will. 
Not that you’d ever notice, but you continue to place me in dangerous situations. Just yesterday at the dog park, I could feel the cold hard stare from a Doberman through my Kenneth Cole double-breasted pea coat. Sh*t, even the French poodle called me a fag, and he was wearing a beret. 
Do you have any idea what would happen to a dog like me at the dogpound? You don’t even WANT to know. I step in there with even a whiff of CK One on me, and it’s all over.

It pisses me off that you don’t pull this shit on the cat (Although it’s probably because she’s a lesbo). I am really tired of the smug looks I get from that butch-ass feline. Just once I’d like to see you put an ascot around her neck and let her feel what this shit is like. Then she’ll realize it’s not funny, and I’m in real pain here. At the very least you could throw a flannel shirt on that dyke and even it up here, you owe it to me. I promise I will end all nine of her lives if I ever get a chance to chase her without these miniature Steve Madden patent leather urban utility boots strapped on my paws. Not that I’d get far; even without the shoes I still have to battle these Italian micro suede chinos. 
Listen lady, I’m at the end of my rope and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (Yes, there’s a lot of time for that while you watch E!, thumb through your copy of People magazine, stopping occasionally to read the text message on your jewel-encrusted Sidekick). I have decided that I’m running away. I’m going to take my chances on the outside. Tomorrow morning, during doggy yoga, I am fucking gone, baby – and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

The last thing you’ll see is my puckered little asshole as I’m out the door, but not before I leave a hot, soft and juicy turd pile right on my miniature doggy yoga mat – and I’ve got a half a pound of espresso beans and 3 bran muffins from breakfast to make sure it’s a good one. 

But seriously, people, why would someone do this to a dog/an animal? It is totally unfair!! Every inch of their body has a purpose and is probably better evolved than man in coping with the vagaries of the weather. Lets keep it real and let dogs be dogs!!

On another side note - imagine a conversation  between a typical Nigerian dog and a Western dog - "Ol' boy, dem dey wear you clothe??!!"

Related link - Being a dog is no walk in the park


  1. LMAO...
    I could never understand this concept.
    1) Cos I am not used to dogs
    2) Cos I am terrified of dogs
    3) Cos to me, dogs are dogs are dogs!
    I almost gag when I see people kiss them and cuddle and do all those lovey dovey eeewww things to them. Then I mentally kill them and send them to HELL when I see them garb their dogs in clothing! When it is designer clothing, I mentally send them to be Lady Gaga's roommates in hell...Haba! there are nothing more beneficial to use money to do?
    Now, that's something I would like to see/hear/read....a convo between a Nigerian Dog and an American dog..hehhehehe... next thing we'll know is that the Nigerian Dog will start kidnapping his American counterpart for ransom.

  2. My darling sweet Chihuahua Dixie has a sweet tooth for cat poop. I guess its the crunch cat litter exterior. Her very own "almond roca" treat. If I don't get to it before she does (as is sometimes the case in the middle of the night) she will come back to bed eager to smooth with cat-poop breath. Ewwwww.

    And yes, she does have a better wardrobe than I do. ;)

  3. hahahaha! u've killed me! but forreals though, i bet all this "celebrity" dogs are pissed they hv to look all fancy. LMAO at the nigerian suffer-head dog..i cn totally imagine the jealousy in its voice when it asks that question :p

  4. LOL...that was hilarious! All those small dog in a bag business, I really don't understand it. LOL...

  5. ha ha ha...i was laughing non-stop. I think those doggie in bags are would love to a read a Bingo & western dog convo.

  6. So why on earth would you wear a dog shoes? Some people have too much money and a fairly large helping of stupidity.

  7. I was laughing while reading this...I am not a fan of dogs abeg, and all these yeye lazy dogs roaming around the street of India has completely turned me off.

    But really all these oyinbo get time sha, wearing shoes for wa oh.

  8. LMAO!! I've wondered about this too oh-like the dog must be so darn embarrassed hehe. It looks sooo weird when dogs are dressed, ewww


  9. I'm feeling you all. I love dogs. I really love them but...I recognise that they are animals. Animals not human no matter how human-like! Did you read of the dogs that ate their dead owner's flesh cos they were hungry? Its natural. Dogs eat sh*t? Its natural. hey are animals. Lets love them cos unequivocally they are the best animal chums you can get but that's all.
    I can understand clothes. They keep em warm (especially Chihuahuas which are of Asian origin and have thin skins). But Vegetarian food/Tofu? Boots? Boots? If I were a dog I would bite my person whenever s/he brings those nonsenses near me!

  10. @BP - Ugandan dogs too love. We are
    @Honey dame - lol@kidnap. Bingo has to find his way to VI to find a real ajebo and 'beloved' dog to kidnap. he has to be sharp too cause some families are looking for who will 'kidnap' their dog and take it off their hands!
    @Jayne - smh & lol at Dixie having a better wardrobe than you.
    @Kitkat - seriously. this dog's rant is an example. The doggy knows more designers than I do.
    @Lara - I have told you India is Asian's Naija. lol.
    @Mamuje - that shoe bizness kills me too. Didn't believe it till I googled 'dog in boots'.
    @Sisi Yemmie - Lwkmd! The other day my friends and I imagined Bingo flying into Heathrow on a cold winter's day. He'll prolly look at his master and be thinkin like 'Ol Boy which ones be this na? E be like say na Calabar deep freezer we dey? Na so life be? I don kpeme!

  11. Hilarious! The dog is vexing in soprano. I don't blame it though. Why on earth would anyone put shoes on a dog? It's embarassing. I bet the other animals would see them and just burst into laughter.
    Naija dog would regard Paris Hilton's dog for a while and hiss, 'Guy, you sure say this chick no say you bi dog?'

  12. Hahahahhahahahah.
    Na wa!
    Nice place!

  13. Harry and Honey are not "slipper shoe dogs". They are slobbery big beasts and I love them for that! When you come to visit, Harry will share his apartment with you but he won't try on your clothes. Neither will Honey. I just can't do more than a pretty collar for them, although Honey did wear a halo one Halloween as a costume. She didn't mind it. LOL!

  14. LOL! Very funny indeed! I really don't understand why they keep doing that to dogs. I always see some dogs being walked in front of my house, and I just laugh. And their clothes in the stores ... hahaha. In fact, I rest my case/

  15. I think this is a personal message to Paris Hilton.

  16. LOL!

    yes some people go to far with their dogs, but *dont shoot me o* but I still admire the love, money, and dedication, dog owners over here have for them. I watch their competitions on TV and totally get it.

    Healthy, Handsome, HAPPY dogs are a joy to behold



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