Thursday, May 19, 2011

Smoke detecting Wives

There was this guy I met while working as a Vet half a decade ago. He became our client at the clinic cos of his dogs. Nice soft spoken guy. I could see he liked me but hey I felt he was too old for me. Moreover he had mentioned that he was divorced..nay, not for me! (My boss was grilling him one of them day. She had noticed the unusual number of visits to the clinic..lol).

He had my number and used to send me almost daily texts which read something like – ‘darling how are you today. God bless you. have a nice day’. The ‘darling’ used to irk me but since the texts were fairly innocuous I didn’t bother complaining. My responses were limited to asking after he and his dogs’ health; nothing flirty.

He was also frequent with calls. Short calls to say ‘how are you’, ‘how is your day going’. I didn’t mind. I can gist up a storm anytime, with anyone if you are remotely interesting.
Once, I had to go on a housecall to give a scheduled medication to one of his dogs when he wasn’t around. He had assured my boss and I there will be someone to let me in and assist. I met the someone. A woman. I didn’t think much of it. cousin, sister whatever. She was friendly enough and I did my job and left.

2 months after, I was on my way back from home after a grueling day when I got a call
Lady’s voice - Hi, Is this Dr Ginger?
Me – Yes It is. May I know who I am speaking to?
Lady - My name is Lusty, Jamie’s wife and I want you to leave my husband alone. Do you hear me? leave him alone and go and find a man of your own!
Huh? You won’t believe it I burst into laughter. And was like ‘Is this candid phone? Hahaha. Cool FM will not kill me today.
Lady – This is not a laughing matter and this is not Cool FM, I am Lusty, Jamie’s wife
Me – (still laughing) Gbemi? Com’on cut this joke. You can’t caught me out in phone pranks.
Lady  - (getting hysterical) This is Jamie Omokorede’s wife.
Me – huh. Coin finally drops (gulp twice, thrice).  Then in a firmer voice. So, how can I help you?
Lusty – I just want to warn you to leave my husband alone. Go and find your own. Why are you going around sleeping with other people’s husbands and  wrecking people’s homes. Do you know I am pregnant? 8 months pregnant? And because of you Jamie beat me yesterday. If I lose this pregnancy, you too will never have children etc etc.
Me- Lady, I don’t know what you are talking about.
Lady – You don’t right? Hope you know I am a journalist. When I am through with you, your name will be mud.
Me – (cat finally releases my tongue). Lady I don’t know you or where you came up with these silly ideas. Pls if you have a problem with your husband go talk to him and don’t involve me in your marital problems.
Lady – Well, just remember I know you and I have connections so tracing you isn’t difficult… blah blah
Me – (in my meanest voice) Lady, now listen very carefully I have just had a tough day at work and my head aches, I don’t need you to add to my stress with your marital problems. I don’t have any business with you or your husband. Don’t you ever ever ever call my number again. Cut.

But wait…after I cut the phone, I added two and two together. Could it be the lady I met at the house that day? damn. That lady was one big-ass woman. Like 3 times my size. All I could think was ..if she sits on me, I am a goner!! maybe it’s the DR title that confused her, cause If she realizes I am ‘The Vet’ and does her own calculations, there will be trouble.
I called Jamie to tell him what transpired and ask him to please take care of his home and desist from endangering my life. He denied that she was his wife (she's somebody I live with)... whatever! She’s pregnant for you; that must mean something.

Thankfully that was my last week with the clinic. But it wasn’t a funny week. Anytime a car drove into the clinic, I ran to the back till I was sure of who the client or occupant was. I shouldn’t get beaten over something I’m not guilty of, should I?

Msheeew. 

So what made me remember this 5 year old incident??
A friend of mine/former colleague who is like a jnr brother put up a nice picture on facebook. Friends commented, coincidentally they were all mutual friends from work. I did too. I wrote ‘My Juliano’. His name is Julian and I have always called him Juliano (imagine it being called in a veeeery strong igbotic accent). Maybe the ‘my’ was inappropriate but nobody there would have taken it out of context knowing our history. That has always been my way of teasing him when he’s good.
Maybe I should have put  a smiley to show it was a joke? Or lol? The truth is I didn’t think that far. I wrote as I would have spoken if he were in front of me. Maybe if there was an emoticon for a kick on the shin……

That was 2 days ago. This morning I logged into my yahoomail and saw this FB notification:

Sandra Julian Okoro also commented on Julian Okoro's photo.

Sandra wrote:
"@Ginger, he's my Juliano and nt urs.lol"

It took me 120 seconds to move from mirth to red mist. What arrant nonsense!! I followed the comment thread link only to find that the comment had been deleted. But my vex wasn’t assuaged. I quickly checked and Julian was available on chat.
Ginger - who deleted comment nwunye gi? (who deleted your wife’s comment?)
Juliano - na me
Ginger – good you did
Juliano - haha! i know u.
Ginger - anyway, point taken, I won’t comment on you and your family pictures again
Juliano - Hey babe, its not what she meant trust me. I’ve told her a lot about u and how both of us were real buddies in the Bank. Trust me it was just a friendly comment, no harmful intent (really?? Guys can be so blind)
Ginger - I hear you...but i have earned my grey hairs and shall respect them from now on.

So here I am shaking my head at the absolute fuckery of chics always trying to defend their men. Come on ladies! Stop seeing smoke where there’s no fire. It makes you look insecure. Or worse silly. And you make unnecessary enemies. In fact let me give you some headache saving tips.

Only snoop on your husband’s phone/facebook wall/email, if you’re ready to accept amicably whatever you see. If you are wise, any suspect act should be stored in some memory. dwell on it, pray over it and generally keep cool. Till something happens that looks even more suspect or adds up then ask. Nicely too. Believe me the truth comes out better this way than full attack mode.
If you must pick a fight, let your sparring partner be your husband not the other woman. Unless like Mrs Omokorede you have err bottom power.
Its hard but try to accept that your husband has other friends who are/may not be in your intimate circle yet. If he trusts you not to go gangster on his friends, he will introduce y’all. But if you keep acting like a harridan then the opposite happens……..and that is how he’ll justify keeping secrets from you.

So I know some of you will think what does she know, she isn’t married…well, I have had relationships and I am one jealous woman with a helluva sensitive smoke detector. But I've learnt to pick my battles with my man. Only with my man.


23 comments:

  1. lol! This is one funny post! And you are so right....it hasnt happened to me before tho...and i have smoke detectors but would never confront another woman, that would make me look to silly

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  2. I tell this all the time to ladies who fight the ladies that their boyfriends are 'toasting'. If you think carefully about it, you would see that it is no fault of the other lady. You should ask your man why he is being so damned silly. I can be jealous too but like you, the other lady doesnt even exist to me, i know who i should deal with. Nice, insightful post Gings. Dont mind the lady on fb jare. I call people darling all the time. She woulda blown fb up. Some ladies need to calm down please.

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  3. This is one funny/ angry post.
    My take on this:
    If you have got to the stage where you feel the need to snoop...Then the relationship is in trouble.
    Men are simple creatures - There is no way you can force them to love you. So, fighting a girl over a man is a waste of time

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  4. Hahaha! Your narration is hilarious. But i bet then you didn't find it funny. Women can be so funny. Why don't they take it up with the men? I don't understand oh. Paranoia can actually accelerate break ups. Women should take it easy sha

    Adiya

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  5. That's why I dont have a lot of friends that are women. I'm much younger than all of my friends thankfully they're old enough to realize that I love my husband and I don't want theirs,

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  6. LOL...funny I was just saying on Facebook that I noticed a new trend with the new feature of having tagged pictures at the top of the page. Wives tags their husbands and it splashes over their pages. That's so obvious it's funny. :)

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  7. I enjoyed reading this post and you cracked me up with your innocent "is this candid phone?", when the woman was all ready to tear you up.
    Why should a woman go fight the "other woman"? Why not pick your battle with your man? Any man who wanders into the radar of the "other woman" and gets caught, wanted it. So dont go acting like someone forced herself on him.

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  8. Funny, but true. Most of the women who pick fights with their husband's female friends, either due to jealousy or suspicion are absolutely insecure women. Feel bad that you had to go through this nonsense twice.

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  9. Ginger - yeah, very funny lol
    I think maturity is the matter. Why pick fights with another woman over an issue that's not well investigated? WOMEN! lol

    - LDP

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  10. I am one smoke detector but I would never confront the other woman...this post even though funny, is some serious thing.

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  11. Alex (your dad) has had a string of girlfriends. They latch on to him, make him cookies, call him to tell him about their cat, their dog, their personal problems. I have even taken some of them shopping for clothes. (Most of them are a little tatty.) I never worry about losing my husband for heaven sakes. The girls who follow him around are sweet and have good taste. They just aren't as cute as me.

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  12. LMAO! Very funny but insightful post. I totally agree with you on this. No fighting the other woman unless you have bottom power. lol!

    @ Linda: Meen! I love your confidence and the thing about the girls having good taste. lol!

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  13. Me I do not know o. But me I feel like the Mrs Okoro might have been joking, especially with the lol behind the comment. But at the same time, I might just be plain naive....
    I still agree with the fact that women should pick their battles with their men cos that's who they have a business with...shikena

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  14. LOL he's my Juliano not yours. I laughed hard. People worry about the things they shouldn't. he heeee

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  15. I don't understand women who confront other women about their relationship. Too many questions I wanna slap their bird brain with, like:

    Do you know who you're in a relationship with?
    With whom did you sign a contract of fidelity or to love and to hold?
    Is your husband/man a zombie that cannot think or talk for himself?
    Since when did threatening another woman become a deterrent to your man sleeping around?
    Are you sure you've got the right person you should be speaking to (Do I look like I have a third leg) or do you need glasses?!

    Yeah, it certainly ticks me off though I've never experienced it.

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  16. That is the craziest story, but I TOTALLY agree with you. I would never call up the "other woman" (not that you were). Instead I'd kick the guys ass or boot him to the curb. Who cares about the other woman, it's the guy who is the one you're in the relationship with. The thing is if this guy beat her why was she trying to keep him. That chick was a nut, and I don't blame you for worrying about your safety. I'm glad it's just a funny/crazy story now!

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  17. What a brilliant post and you couldn't be more accurate. Why pick a fight with another woman when your man was the one who couldnt keep his wiener in his knickers in the first place? My dear, you hit the nail on the hit. Pukka!

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  18. Oh my goodness. Talk about trust issues. I can't believe that woman called you and made a bunch threats when you hadn't done anything.

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  19. This is so on-point.I've been in similar situations.Some lady even threatened me with knowing where i lived at the time.So much insecurity out there i tell ya.smh!

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  20. Jealouy, especially over something stupid like "My Juliano," is unbecoming.

    Good post, darling. God bless you. Have a nice day.

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  21. Chineke Ginger! You almost got sat on by Mrs Omokerede? Men sef and their cluelessness na wah. Sometimes they put other women in their lives in weird situations. As for Juliano's wife, she should not have done that on facebook. that was a sly move to paint you in a shaddy light especially adding the LOL.

    Shio.

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  22. Funny, and true. I think people should always focus on the person they're in the relationship with and not any outsider.

    And I agree with LucidLilith. The LOL made her comment even worse.

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