Wednesday, August 31, 2011

So you want to be a Banker (Part 3)

BlogFam!! I'm sorry my stories are hiccuping. What to blame? Dissertation. I am neck deep in birthing my project. Just sent a 2nd revised draft to my Sup. I pray she doesn't suggest any dramatic changes! How are you all doing? Thank you so much for your faithful readership and 'commentorship'. (Sting, what did you say about people who form new words again?)
I will be back at full throttle soonest!

My story will be incomplete if I don’t talk of ‘the Customer’.
Customers understood the competition and desperation and enjoyed playing the marketers against each other. The Nigerian bank customer was truly king.
The unnecessary close relations that develop between bankers and customers especially family and friends in the name of relationship management created room for unethical business deals. If your cousin’s business is in your branch and you have the clout you will be tempted to bend rules to make his loans get approved faster etc etc just saying.
Same if a customer is doing 'you' a favour by banking with you. They get to feel they deserve some payment in kind. Like you using your powers as a bank staff to cover dud cheques, using your personal money to make up under-funded accounts, print shady statements for Visa purposes, launder money and yea, sexual favours.
You don’t do it, you‘ll be accused of not being ‘sharp enough’.

Take the example of Chief Zulu, a typical business or high net worth individual. He has a minimum of 6 bank accounts because of various friends, family and girlfriends spread across the banks. He also gets to move his money according to his whims.
Chief Zulu has just received a juicy govt contract worth N500m. While the cheque is still in the post, the banks begin to pay their respects. Business lunches, dinnesr, gifts and a lot of empty credit promises.
Chief Zulu being a most generous man, distributes his wealth: 
N100m to Dayo, his nephew in bank AB, 
N100m to Kingsley, his brother in law in Bank EF, 
N150m to Ada, his oldest bank account in Bank JK, 
N100m to Alhaji, his old school mate in Bank OP and 
N50m for the reigning bank galfriend in Bank XY. 
Of all the deposits, the N50m is the most flexible and movable. If reigning girlfriend misbehaves, it goes to the next gf (intra bank or interbank). Also depending on how obliging or good in bed new gf is, or as we say ‘how the love is shacking him’, Chief Zulu may increase her holding to N100m. He wisely keeps the funds as call deposits or 30 day deposits which gives him enough leeway to revoke his generosity lol.

I remember a galfriend’s story about her highnetworth customer who she advised to consolidate his accounts into three or less accounts (of course her bank must be one of the prime accounts!), she said he retorted ‘Why should I? Do you realize how my account officer in other banks care for me? All I need to do is call and they are here easing my stress while you have never offered even a simple blow job, acting like a saint. It's just cause I like you that's why I am still using your bank". I kid you not.

You may also meet Mrs. Moneybags who practically turns you into her lackey cause she has N100m in your bank coffers. Expect phone calls at 9pm asking about a N150 naira charge on her account that she doesn’t understand. Expect tantrums. Expect to massage her ego, tell her how beautiful she is .. always. Expect her to dump her marital problems on you. And note - the day she detects a frown or a reluctance to do her bidding, she moves her money to the next willing banker. If you are a guy, other services might be expected of you…..
I didnt say anything oo
Advanced ‘deposit’ fraud? That happened a lot.
During one bank ‘year-end’ period (month that a particular bank closes its records for the year), I remember one of my otherwise gentleman customers whom I had been bugging for a deposit, calling me to come and pick a N4m cheque. It was 5pm. I wasn’t too comfortable with the time considering that I was on the mainland and he was on the Island but hey I thought of the boost of presenting a N4m cheque the next day and off I went. Between traffic and waiting cause he had a meeting, I got to see him at about 7. Got the cheque which was postdated to 2 days probs. He  proposed we go for drinks before I leave. I shrugged yes. No biggie. I got generally squeamish when he started getting touchy feely as we were talking and I said ‘’Bros, mba(no) that aint the deal. He then asked to see me over the weekend, I said No, can do. Other days? No Siree. We aint going that way. We said goodnight amicably I thought. I hopped on a taxi and left.
Two days later he sent me a text that something came up and I shouldn’t bother paying in the cheque till further notice. huh??

That year end another customer, Mr Wangdu came, dangling a N500m cheque. The zonal manager and the branch manger courted him like a beauty pageant queen. Mr Wangdu finally gave them the cheque. It was Friday, 30th of August, the Bank’s year end. The 700m swelled the bank’s coffers. The branch posted profits based on ‘yet to be earned’ interest. Bank manager was praised for hitting such a sweet deal.
Remember Bank cheques clear in three working days in Nigeria? Well, Aug 31st was Saturday, Sept 1st was Sunday, Sept 2nd was Monday – Mr Wangdu calls the branch manager a bit distraught. He needs a N2m overdraft.  He didnt meet the criteria for receiving an overdraft cause his account was only 2 weeks old. But the zonal manager gave a 'wink of approval'. How can you deny a man that potentially has 700m, a paltry N2m? A bank in need is a friend indeed innit?
Loan was given on the double which Mr Wangdu promptly withdrew from his account.
Sept 3rd - the 700m cheque returned. With the sundry charges for returned cheque etc etc he was owing the bank -N100,000. When he was notified, he said ‘sorry, pls represent the cheque”. Another 3 working days and cheque was returned yet again. Account was now in red to the tune of N210,000 which was increasing daily.
All of a sudden, Mr. Wangdu was MIA. Office was locked. Phone unreachable.
Guess who is repaying the overdraft and sundry? The account officer and bank manager. The bank called it negligence. Per chance it had gone the right way, they would have been feted.

Do you still want to work in the bank?



  1. Ih my goodness "shudders" ginger these are some horror stories ish. I dont think the average person knows it's this bad. All we ever hear about is the so called wayward girls they put in marketing. Sad. Very Sad indeed.

    As to your question, no, i defnitely don't want to work in a Nigerian bank. Ever.

  2. I'm bad to be laughing, right? Keep them coming babes, or you could write a book, LOL...

  3. These stories can be made into a tv But na wa sha for our system. I don't know why everything has to be complicated

  4. Very on-point gal! Big customer = big

  5. God! This is dreadful! Thank goodness you are out of that nasty business. In fact, I want you to come and live with me and Dad and we'll find you a nice Nigerian sailor (officer- of course) to marry.

  6. Our people have spoilt all these 'big men'. If everyone should decide to boycott them (i.e. the sexual favors and all that) I wonder whether they'll start keeping money at home?

    I agree that you should write a novel on this banking It will give people insight on whats happening and will make an entertaining read

  7. haha,serzly,it's kinda hilarious but I tell you,I love bankers.

  8. I should lol here... I got a glimpse of this when a bloke I used to know (he was stationed in some small south south village) being given a target of 40million... At least you survived it then I guess...

  9. I never liked the banking sector, but we can't do without them

  10. MimiB- It was exactly cause of such stories that I wrote about this. I have met people who on finding out i was a marketer discounted my achievements, my all we did was sell our bodies. Bodies won't be sold if the environment of desperation was created.

    Myne- Abeg laff my Sister. I can laff now. I couldnt then.

    Prism - Truly, I am amazed they haven't explored this theme in a Nigerian movie. Shebi Nollywood is supposed to be representative of happenings in the society?? well this one happens daily under their nose.

    Vyvyka - You got it! lol

    Mom - Dreadful times it was Mom. but I am out of it now. A Navyman will do just fine.

    Stelzz - That's the word. They've been spoilt for choice; supply and demand etc. But that's why I used the example of Chief Zulu. His old schoolmate and his original bankers are permanent. Every other person is temporary. They know what they are doing ... never doubt.

    Gretel - You do? The men or the job? Good for you. I can't even marry one knowing what I know.

    Rustgeek - N40m? Your guy was enjoying..if i had had a target of N40m, I would still be banking today.

    @ilola - I never liked it too. Na condition. but like I said again, I don't regret it just that I wont go back there in Nigeria anyway!!

  11. Hmmm... that's a DEEP sigh... I don't know what to say. Now I'm scared.

    Plus seriously, lol! Tell me you put "aunty's" picture up there by mistake.

  12. Uhm...YY swears by the overgrown nail on his pinkie finger that if being a marketer is the only job available for me to do, he'ld rather just die working his butt off so that I wont have to work...I can see why...choi..Swaggalicious Ginger, se u nor dey ask for troble with Ita giwaz picture wey you put under dat paragraph? OYO u dey o!

  13. no! i don't want to be a banker ooo!..hahahhaha.. me-ehn! some customers nah wa shaaaa!.

    @HD, lol...

    so female customers also 'ask for it' from the males marketers?....:0

    *btw coughs*, wetin our big mama's pix dey do for up there nah...i know, you no talk anything shaaa *wink-wink!

  14. Now I understand why I no bi banker..meeeeeeeen I fit not for all these even for integrity. I did a marketing job once and I had some male folk experience... Touchy,mushy,on the spot L♥√ع ,trips, promises etc but NO I ran,I preferred to be the saint than trip for temporary pleasure(I don't make boast but I'm glad today).

    My dear,this is disgusting and to think that a lot are "glamourously" doing the job as if nothing de? Kai! Goose bumps...

    Btw, Abeg "remove" that pics ooooo(pls covering face)Now I understand why I no bi banker..meeeeeeeen I fit not for all these even for integrity. I did a marketing job once and I had some male folk experience... Touchy,mushy,on the spot L♥√ع ,trips, promises etc but NO I ran,I preferred to be the saint than trip for temporary pleasure(I don't make boast but I'm glad today).

    My dear,this is disgusting and to think that a lot are "glamourously" doing the job as if nothing de? Kai! Goose bumps...

    Btw, Abeg "remove" that pics ooooo(pls covering face)

  15. Humph ....This is serious oh
    Advance Deposit Fraud?
    Na wa oh?
    Na so the ting dey hungry dem 'big boys'?

    RE: the picture.............mmm no talk, but you talk! Humph LOL

  16. hahaha certainly not!

    I was lucky though - due to internal bank connections I never got put in marketing - I got customer service - and that one has it's own stories too.

  17. I am so loving this series. Reading all this is kinda taking me back.I remember one customer I used to have then, we called her first lady. Whenever she came to the bank and you do not treat her like a queen, oh boy, you will get both ears full. Then if she comes and you are attending to another customer, she will just sit down at one corner, fuming, like *can't you see i am here and you should discharge that customer?*. Customers know they are king. Till date i don't regret leaving that profession. It has played its part in my life and I have moved on. Keep it coming Ginger.

  18. Wow! Na way for our country oh! Words fail me...

  19. Na wa o. I've really enjoyed reading this series. You should consider writing a book, fiction or faction.

  20. And people are literally DYING to work in banks?!!! But my dear everything you wrote is true. Naija bizness always different. By international standards what we term as Marketing is not marketing at all!!!!

    (p.s fix it that my google id can post menaukodoisready, cheers

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