Friday, April 29, 2011

Kate weds Will

So I thought i wasnt interested in the Royal wedding, but i went visiting and well, where two or three women are gathered together, entertainment reigns. My commentaries:
  • Only Queen Eliza can get away with a yellow outfit.
  • Camilla. Camilla. Who dressed you? I dont mind the classic style but the colour wasnt on.
  • Children will be children. Did you see the little flower girl holding on to her garland? Lol.
  • For the first time, i looked at Prince Charles and thought he was handsome. Maybe Cam is really good for him.
  • Kate Middleton sorry the princess of Cambridge is one lucky and beautiful girl. As i watched her drive down with her father, i wondered if the parents ever thought their little girl will become royalty. And i thought of all the fathers who treat their daughters like second class citizens...sigh.
  • Prince Will and Kate really love each other. Did you see them hold their gaze as they said their vows. Will was holding her hand and you could see the tenderness and encouragement, like he was saying 'Go on. I love you'.
For Kate's sake, I miss Diana. Compared to her a Grandma in law, Diana would have been a treat.
My gf said her kids must go to St Andrew's University and as for me, I am now more convinced that Frogs are not for me! I want a Prince.

Online dating and Internet frogs

December 2009 was a rather interesting month for me. I had gotten tired of my company bar female girlfriends. I wanted a man in my life.
Heaven helps those who help themselves right? Well, this gal is/was seriously working on her single situation with the help of friends. Yea Tisa this one is for you.
I was chatting with Tisa about my singleness and the unavailability of eligible guys. Tisa was alarmed that I didn’t even have one flame burning in the corner. To quote her, she said. ‘Ginger, you need to increase your pool of available men so you don’t end up settling with only what is available’ so she suggested online dating. ‘Hell no’, I thought but was more like uh uh. She clinched it when she reminded me that “Since you re not usually out socializing, you might as well use the medium you love [internet] to still achieve your aim” and maybe kiss an internet frog that turns into Mr Right* yeah right. But really, isnt online dating like the laaaaaaaasssssssssssstttt bus stop for any self respecting gal?

Well, never say die, one sweet Saturday, due to a lack of dates [male or female], availability of power[Up Nepa] and general joblessness, I checked out Nigerian dating sites. And joined 4 at a go [go gal!] and propositioned about 15 men[teehehe, guys dey try with toasting ooo. It’s not easy to write on someone’s profile and say you are interested and yet sound cool, sexy and un-desperate!] But worse was the fact that the pickings were slim. I am not usually biased about looks..welll not to a large extent but I CANNOT ABIDE  bad English, grammatical errors, spelling errors sheesh, your description of yourself is your only sales pitch. How can you fail that?
On one particular site, 80% of the Nigerian men, cool looking dudes I must say indicated that their sexual orientation was Bi-, trans-, homo-sexuals orientations.. Hello Straights? Are you extinct? In fact one guy was soo cool, I had to write asking if the Bisexual stats was for real’ I aint judging nor being prudish but It felt so unfair that the out of the slim picking available of ladies we are now sharing
Fast forward 6 days later, I had a deluge of mail, largely unsolicited, largely 25 yr old students looking for a sugar mama [didn’t they see my age], others guys looking for discrete relationships etc by the 3rd day. ahhh and the grammar? Oh dear
Fast forward 14 days later, I finally got an first unsolicitated mail that caught my interest. I sent a happy birthday text to the number given (cause I noticed it was his birthday), he called back, we chatted for 20 mins and from online, we became great friends IRL.
Stop dreaming. It’s not marriage. But after him, I quit. Online dating isn’t for me. His mail to me is amongst those below. Can you guess who?

My About me page
I am like ginger: hot, spicy and snappy! I love sparring with intelligent and witty people, travelling, cookies and cream, watching adventures/thrillers/romance cuddled up to someone solid, warm and nice smelling!
My Ideal match description  
I like men who can poke fun and take it too, down to earth yet can dream, courteous, loves his Lord and is willing to take an adventure..(really not sure what I meant by that..but it sounded cool.)
Now look at all the frog replies, my charming (if I may say so) profile got -
How are you doing today?let me start by introducing myself am George by name, am from benue state,the idoma speaking part precisely.I am a single dad,and i am blessed with a wonderful daughter from the previous marriage,Am from a very small family that consist of i and my younger sister , my parents are still alive.I know you might want to know what happened between i and my ex-wife ,it actually happened 1995 after the birth of our daughter things became so rough that could she not bear it she had no choice but to run away,but i bless the almighty God that i serve ,because he saw me through out my times of trial,right now shes married to another man and has bore him kids also,but still comes to the house to visit what the only thing that joins us together,though have been into one or two different relationships that never worked out ,but have not been able to find true love till date,I am new to this site and fell in love with your profile ,i will like to know more about you,you can reach me on..
Hello cutie, Wow,you are really hot every man would do anything to have a lady like you i must confess you are the missing angel from the way my name is Sunday they call me Sunnyjaz cos i am the of the people.about myself i am cool gentle easy going don`t have time for games need a serious humble lady with god fearing and open minded.i really would want to know you more and i bet you will never regret knowing someone like me.i have to run now i hope to hear from you soon.stay blessed. Yours Faithfully Sunny :P

Hello, how are you doing today?your profile interest me n hence, I care to know you much better. I am YEM ,proudly African, extremely Nigerian. I don't smoke nor drink, I'm single never married with no children, I'm honest, painstaking, caring, highly romantic, energetic and futuristic. I love science, research, philosophy and the reality of life. Sorry can we opt for a worthwhile n serious relationship that can lead to a fruitful marriage? I care to establish a close contact wit you, this is my email for easy correspondence, this is my mobile...+234XXXX. hope to here from you soonest. Yemight
Hello,it is a great privilege for me to discover you online,i am 34 yrs old i am real and sincere and i want you to be real too,i don't do this but sometimes one has to bend to achieve one or two things,i really like to me you for serious relationship and i am ready to sacrifice my time energy and all i have to keep you forever.I am a medical person pursuing postgraduate studies in LUTH Could you Please link me so that i can call or mail you and come to see you,i love to meet you for marriage and everlasting happy home,please reach me vi fxloyxxxatyahoodotcom,0805XXXXX. You will not regret meeting me,lot of love from me.
Honestly if you dont mind,i will like to make you my wife,let us be real and sincere,i am loyez by name,i based in lagos,i really appreciate you,if you could give me a chance,lot of love from me,please send me your add via that i can call you and tell you more about myself,you will ot regret knowing me,i am really serious,please respond.
hello damsel,something about your eyes makes me to say hello,how re you doing?How are you doing?Am Yomi,single,nice,sincere,humble,caring,romantic and fun loving guy and am on here to meet beautiful,real and adorable friends and i browsed your page and got admired and i cares to know you more,you can get at me now on yahoo im so we can get to know more,my id is and i cant wait to read from you
I need a lady between 27 to 45 years of age for a very discreet relationship. Please note that I do not promise marriage, as we have to define the relationship between us. Complexion and tribe do not really matter. If you are not serious, please no need to get in touch. RESIDE IN LAGOS 080xxxxx

Hello, u look like the type of woman i need in my life.Can i hav ur opinion.
hi if you are interested in a sugar son i am available,if you wanna contact my number is 080XXXXXX. thanks waiting for you.
where u gonna be on the 14th ? hope im the first to ask hey let cum and swagga my swagga let me ginga ur ginga.
Hi I just find ur profile on this site and I have interest in knowing more about u. My name is Kay I reside in Dublin Pls kindly get back to me with ur pix on my mail address I will send mine in return. U are pretty and I really admires you a lot. Cheers.
Hello, charming angel. Hello It\'s really nice to come accross a great profile like yours today, and am totally dumb founded when i set my eyes on your profile i bet it will be really great to message someone really precious like you. Hummm you really looks gorgeous and i will be glad to have a respond from someone so lily like you;
hi season greetings from are you today i hope all is fine with name is kelly but frnds call me kellyk,i sew your profile and get interested in having a relationship with you i am a nigeria.but currently not in nigeria.i will like you to contect me through this email id that we can commenicate thru mails.or you can add me on ur y,messenger love is all that matters.i await ur fast reply to my mail box.bye and remine bless,yours awaited lovely friend Kelly
Hi There. My name is Gray and I live and work in Lekki. I saw you profile and liked it. I came to Nigeria a month back . I am all alone and looking for a friend who is straightforward, caring and with whom I can talk and share ideas with. If my profile suits you, pls call me at 080xxxxxxxx. I\'d love to hear from you.....
nice smelling ? thats me hun. i use kenneth cole for my shirts, givenchy for my trousers, and sean jean UNFORGIVABLE for my boxers. cum smell me for free
an adventure that\'s \"hot and spicy\" (lose the \"snappy\" tho) Y not?? zero eight zero five two three four one two four one... One would hope u r more like the cookie than the movie...
well am good at some few naughty things.creeping up to you and making the hairs on your skin stand up while you scream for just a simple guy but like gals that can mess up their hairs and still be nice.if you don\'t mind send more of your pics at ( will be nice to see you naughty even if for once......

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

This is Oyibo land - Accents

I saw my My Fair Lady over the weekend and It inspired my first post on “This is Oyiboland” series; Accents!

Some Nigerians coming to the UK or those visiting or already living here spend so much time and effort twisting their tongues and vocal chords to sound more English than the English. Then you come here and find out that half of the people you meet have the most atrocious local accents. The joke is on you, lol!
If you are like me, you probably wonder like Professor Higgins … Why can’t the English teach their children how to speak?”
Stand corrected:  The highly praised posh English accent we usually admire on the BBC news popularly known as the Queen’s English is not spoken everywhere. Welcome to the 35 regional dialects/accents one can find in England.
If you are lucky to be in the South, London (not East London though), Oxford, you would be surrounded by 'regular' accented English speakers because the Queen's accent originated from there. But you should also note that where you were educated determines how posh one sounds. Brits who attended public schools sound more posh than those who went to the local comprehensive. Also the more blue your blood is, the posh-er you’ll sound.
But as you move North, your ears will become assaulted by accents with unpleasant twangs that even you with your broad African accent would sneer at. And the bullets? (grammatical errors) you would think you are in the grammar war zone.

Watching local stations becomes a futile exercise cause its unlikely you'll understand what is being said. Shopping - a comedy of errors trying to understand and make yourself be understood. Interestingly those regional (I have to add ‘unschooled’) ones are the most impatient when it comes to listening and understanding you and your accent. Imagine that?!

In recent times, in the spirit of integration and erosion of class distinction, other accents have now become accepted in the mainstream especially in media like the BBC. E.g. Cockney, Brummie, Welsh and other accents influenced by them. Even celebrity sportsmen and stand up comedians wear their regional accents like a badge of honor nowadays. Love them or hate them…..
So for all ye British wannabes, it might just do you good to stick to your unique and lovely indigenous accent and be proud of it.

This guy speaking English in 24 accents could help you understand what I am saying…the Nigerian accent was last…was that an Ibo man’s accent?

Monday, April 25, 2011

Extreme Worship!

So I came across this news article on Msnbc about Filipinos who willingly surrendered to crucifixion on Good Friday as an act of piety/penance or whatever medieval reason their mind came up with.
“The most number of crucifixions were staged beside a ricefield in Pampanga's San Pedro Cutud village, where 15 men were nailed to crosses three at a time on a dusty mound as more than 30,000 people, including three European ambassadors, watched and snapped pictures”.

One of the guys said he’s been doing it every year since 1985. Yep, you counted right - 25 crucifixions!!

I don’t even know what to think.
There I was uncomfortable with my walk for Christ (okay not uncomfortable let’s say shy) and here are men going to extremes.
What can I say??….At the risk of sounding like a snobbish western all I could think was “where poverty and under-development is found, there is found violent fanaticism be it to self or to others. See Palestine, Bauchi, Jos, Congo, Mexico.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

A Smile a Day

Edward Reid, a 35-year-old drama teacher from Glasgow, gave a humorous but widely creative rendition of nursery rhymes at Britain's got Talent yesterday (click here in case video doesn't play).

He had me at the first Baa Baa. lol.

An Easter Diary

Hey Blog fam,

Its been a busy week. I got caught up with preparing for Easter the Catholic way - Holy Thursday, Good Friday etc etc.
Let me confess, my lent didnt get off to a good start. I couldnt make up my mind what to give up that was worthy. Fasting didnt seem much of  a sacrifice cause my eating was sketchy anyways. I gave up facebooking for about two weeks then jumped back again. Not like I was updating my status but just to keep in touch. Maybe I could have given up blogging, but that would have made for a friendless Lenten Season. I mean its online but you guys mean a lot to me. Yes you do. Our little conversations and lols make my day and keep me going when i don't have credit to talk to real life friends.
Well, a little recap on the last 4 days of lenten journey...

Wednesday - I woke up today and realised that If  I didnt have a confession between today and Saturday then I would be unable to receive communion this Easter. I have been running away from confession, not that I didnt believe in it but..outta shame. I was looking for any other parish except St Cuthbert's so I wouldnt have to talk to Fr. Tony, our parish priest. Anyway by Wednesday I knew I had run out of time. I didnt know the schedule of other parishes. I was stuck with Fr Tony. And worse, cause there was no scheduled confession, I had to book an appointment. urgh!! I spent the day dillydallying. Night passed, morning came.
Holy Thursday - We remember the last supper. 
It was now or never. I sent him an email. Dear Fr Tony, do you have time to spare for a confession for this poor catholic soul? I didnt wait for a reply cause I had work.
About 5.45 in the evening while i was stuck at the bus stop waiting for the never coming 24 bus, I checked my mail on my phone. I had  a reply, he said yes, he will meet me after Mass in the evening, he also asked that would I be willing to be one of the 12 people (disciples) that he would wash their feet during Mass. I blanched. My feet have got corns, bunions, chipped nail paint and I've been in trainers all day. No way San Jose (Now I understand how Peter felt when he refused to let Jesus wash his feet). 
I had an excuse anyways. I was an hr away from Durham. And with the late Bus, it looked like i was gonna be late for Mass which was at 7pm. So I apologised and said No. (Saved!!).
I got to the Mass late but was in time for the washing of feet. I happily watched him wash other feet. I had the confession after Mass and later I wondered why I thought I should dodge him. He is but a priest. He is not there to judge. More like a spiritual director. Talk to you about the problems you have that keep you from serving God fully. I spent some time after in the Church for the Watch (remember how the disciples prayed and waited with Jesus). Night passed, Morning came.
Good Friday - We remember Jesus Crucifixion and death. On the bulletin, there was a notice about a witness walk which was going to be inter-denominational. I didnt really know what that meant. In Nigeria we would have had a general Stations of the Cross, but I thought to join nonetheless, after all, I was in great terms with God again and wanted to bear witness. 
We met at St Nicholas (an Anglican church), About a 100 people. There were paintings depicting the cricifixion which some people volunteered to carry, also posters announcing that this was Good Friday (you know some people dont know the reason for the Bank Holiday?!). Someone carried a cross. We then proceeded from the church in pairs and walked around the high street and sundry called the 'Market place". I must admit that I was uncomfortable. You see, in Nigeria, people happily wear their christianity like an honorary badge. Nothing is strange under the guise of Christianity. But here, we were getting stares from people who were acting like we were some weird fanatics. Well, I returned their stares with a sweet smile and happily sang along with others....
I attempted to take pictures but felt silly; really, I shouldnt be acting like a tourist.
Good Friday mass started at 3pm. The church interior had been stripped of every decoration. It felt so bare and dark. No flowers, no color. We were in mourning. Night passed Morning Came.
Holy Saturday - Jesus lies in the tomb. Today's activities started at 9pm in the night. The church lights were off, cause we were still in the darkness of the tomb. So we held lit candles instead. It was beautiful mind you, but it made me wonder how the world would have been without electricity, Thank you Graham Bell! 
The readings started from Genesis about the Creation, to Abraham being called to offer Isaac as a sacrifice. *In the light of how aghast I am at the homicides commited nowadays, I can now understand why Abraham's faith is reverred. Think that Isaac was old enough to know his Father wanted to kill him. Remember him asking his Father "Where the lamb for the sacrifice was?". Do you think he lay there and said "Father go ahead and kill me, it is the Lord's will?" Nope, I am sure he was screaming bl$*dy murder! Father, what did I do wrong"! And Abraham, how he must have felt?*
Anyway, we also heard how God delivered Isrealites from Pharoah, followed by a reading about the promise of a Saviour in Isaiah. Then the bells started to ring....It wasnt yet midnight but in these days of security and what not, who keeps to that. The lights came on. He has risen. We blew off our candles then read the New testament readings about Mary and Martha finding the Angel at the empty tomb where Jesus had been laid. What Joy, what awe must have filled their hearts. Anyway Mass proper had now started. There were new members - A lady was getting baptised, 4 young men were being received (they were from other denominations but now wished to be catholic) and confirmed in the faith. I cant tell you how pleased this made me. In fact they inspired me. Cause i was all for saying Christianity was dying if not dead in Britain. Maybe it is, but for those five (just like Abraham arguing the case for the kingdom of Sodom with God), I am ready to change my mind. After Mass, we were invited to the parish room for refreshments -Champagne, juice, Easter eggs, cakes, doughnuts, chocolate, crisps, sausage rolls. I met up with my elderly gentleman friend, Dr. George (he should be in his mid seventies), Taz, Chris, Nidani and heartily congratulated the new members. Fr Tony passed by and hailed me by name (Ha! Its taken him 6 months). 
Easter Vigil mass was beautiful. Night passed, morning came.
Easter Sunday - We remember Christ's resurrection. 

Happy Easter Everyone. May the Joy of the risen Christ never depart from you!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

An African Anthropologist

So people,
I discovered these blogs (here, here and  here)written by Cara Harshman aka Titi and her friend – They are 5 American students who are spending their gap year in University of Ibadan (greatest Uites!!) in order to steep themselves in Yoruba language and culture.
Most of you must have seen Youtube video (here) in which her Yoruba put some of us to shame J. Well, I read her blog once in a while trying to keep up with her gist about my alma mater. I must say I find her quite entertaining. I love seeing the pictures of UI and it is always interesting to hear new perspectives about things we prolly take for granted. Like her post about observing that her class mates jot the words of the teacher VERBATIM had me shaking my head. With hindsight, you realize that it is true. Rather than listening, assimilating and picking salient points, the Nigerian school system makes us robots in class. Half of the time, you are looking over your shoulder to see if your neighbor caught the last word/sentence from the teacher. I still do it. But I am improving. Lecturers providing FREE copies of lectures hardcopy/online PLUS a functional library help too.

Anyway, this isn’t a review of Titi’s blog, but her blog got me thinking.

When Oyibos (Westerners) go to any exotic location (e.g India, Africa), even the smallest child becomes an anthropologist, eager to write about the ‘different’ culture and society of his/her hosts. Their eyes are open to notice the sights and smells and sounds of their new locations.
Why then, does the opposite happen to us? When we are in exotic locations e.g. America, Britain, Norway (Black Panther!!!) we just jump right in and adjust like fish to water. Or like Asians who transport their culture to their new location, we seek out fellow Africans and stick to their cooking pots like glue? The familiar huh?
I rarely see cultural comparisons of the West and Africa. Not in the negative ways I see like when we try to run them down or insist that we too are better, but you know, well thought out comparisons. Where you find out the origins, ask your hosts why this is so? or evaluate why etc. We don’t take pictures of run down areas; again not being negative but just to show that like back home we have the rich and the poor everywhere. Are we afraid that if we do, we’ll be denied Visa? lol.

I won’t deny that the culture of care and maintenance of something as simple as roads can make you stop in your tracks, I mean the roads in my county Durham are always being re-tarred and what not. Not even major roads, just some side streets o! I am awed cause there I am looking and thinking – but this road looks fine na. What’s the fuss? Yes our poor maintenance culture in Nigeria can give you the disease of ‘mediocre expectations’.
I also remember the day I took the Apocalypse ride in Drayton manor, a theme park in Birmingham. 
I kept thinking what if one of the bolts holding me in fly off? What if the managers of the theme parks in a bid to cut costs did not carry out a pertinent upgrade or replacement of parts? What if the maintenance engineer played hooky and did not do his scheduled maintenance check for the day/week? What if? what if? These are thoughts that are very legitimate in Nigeria but here less so. I mean what Theme park Owner wants to pay the claims if an accident like that should occur?? You’ll be bankrupt in 3 seconds.
So I must confess, with those Nigerian thoughts flying through my head I didn’t enjoy that ride. I was screaming not in exhilaration but more like ‘Oh Lord, if I survive this I won’t risk my life so foolishly again please’.
I guess I have to ask Him to overlook that foolish prayer cause I plan to go to Alton Towers sometime soon and I heard their Thrill rides are 'too die for' literally. And maybe Bungee jump or Sky dive. fingers crossed.

Anyway, what am I saying, let’s start looking at our environments with new eyes. Find out more about where you are. Understand their cultures. Heck write a book while you are at it. Take pictures of starving naked children. Okay don’t. But hey, we can be anthropologists too. We can host our ‘This is Britain’ series too.
And maybe, just maybe if the truth is told, Nigerians will stop running away from home in droves for ‘greener pastures’.

p.s.  Ehh, @that last sentence - I am kidding right?
p.p.s. An Idea had just popped as I was writing this -  Action - I am going to host a Tuesday specials of "This is Oyiboland". In words and pictures. I'll be nice don't worry. Just comparing and contrasting. And if you have tidbits, questions, pictures please forward to me by mail. I shall use, acknowledge and even gift :)!
What do you think?

Monday, April 18, 2011

Blackberry Babes - Where Hustlin is a way of life

I usually don’t take Nollywood movies seriously enough to do write a review about them, but…there is  first time for everything right?
p.s. Nollywood is to Nigeria what Bollywood is to India and Hollywood to America.

I indulged in 2.5hrs of Blackberry girls parts 1 & 2. Sigh. I won’t say I want my life back. Nay, I willingly watched it. I was jobless. It was free. So yeah I won’t complain too much.

Plot – Ehhh…the things Nigerian girls do to become owners of a blackberry phone.
Sorry dear Westerner reading may wonder blackberry like blackberry phone? Ehhh Yes. It would seem that to some females in Nigeria (and I heard India too), Blackberries are the be all and end all of phones. Don’t look at me, I don’t know why!!

Wow - It was funny in the first 45 mins but started wearing terribly thin for the rest 1.75hrs. That drama could have been better packaged in 1.30 mins kapeesh. But sadly No, its producers plan to milk out 2 more volumes to make it a four-part movie. As usual.
Appolonia was funny..I did wish they had used her better. Like I wished she had really had a last laugh at the girls with her fake phones....maybe they’ll become nicer to her because of her new phone only to find out it is a fake one (revealing their shallowness)….lol.
Kesha or was it Geisha gave a great performance. She got the wanna-be at all costs character well. Even her transformation was done well.
Emeka was my man!! From his loyalty to Damisa who was using him, his generosity, the accent and to his simple revenge with Damisa’s girlfriend, he depicted a typical Igbo yob. That he was cute didn’t hurt too.
That fight in a class over an ownerless BB was genius!

Not so Wow - First, the two star characters were not exactly the most interesting. Damisa(Oge) is a poor, poor actress. In her bid to ‘spree’ she ends up enunciating each word which makes her sound weird. Vivienne (Tonto) was better generally but really what’s with the fake accents and laughter between she and Damisa? And did she have to be in bendy rollers for half of the scenes?

Secondly, I am yet to understand their never ending want to have the latest Blackberry phones. Kesha’s made sense she never had so she wanted to be one of the cool ones but for Damisa their need to remain top Bees should have been placed in a better context. Imo. The love of Blackberry phones is too thin a theme to base a movie now running into 3 parts on. Haba! Ok, now you have the phone so what? They were not exactly having the most scintillating conversations or bb chats or competing about who has the highest brick breaker score or accessorizing their phones to match with their clothes. Not even a chat romance. Just a lot of noise and omgs.
I once saw a movie ‘Cellular’ in which the plot revolved around a mobile phone and how its different features could be put to use. You could take something away.
In Blackberry girls, the features emphasized were not different from what my trusty rusty Nokia can do. Text. Call. Video. Snap. I’m just saying. Damisa was boasting about being on Myspace, Hi5...... Helloo!!! And Tonto owning 3-4 Blackberry phones was just plain silly.
Third, those girls were a bit too long in the tooth to be acting as undergrads. Haba!
Fourth, I truly got tired of hearing the word ‘blackberry’. They must have said it like a thousand times. Urgh! Blackberry nausea!
Fifth - the film poster was one of the ugliest jobs I've seen out of Nollywood. 

By the middle of the Part 2 you could see the scriptwriters had run out of a plot theme. All sorts of random and superfluous scenes were added on without thought for rhyme or reason. Like the script writers had all these great ideas which they couldn’t bear to discard so they made sure they incorporated it without considering - if it fit in with the overall theme. Or even if was really necessary? Cases in point - the wife that left her husband? Damisa’s boyfriend who was trying to get into Vivienne’s pants? Tonto bringing her sugar daddy to her Uncle’s home? What’s the connection?

Anyway, it was a fun watch still cause (a)I hadn’t seen a Naija movie in ages and (2)the opportunity to criticize kept me energized.
I know most of you have watched it. What did you like? what could have been added or deleted?

Friday, April 15, 2011

Kids, Sex and Freak dancing

Hi Blogfam,
I saw this video shared by a friend's friend of two kids freak dancing(as defined by urban dictionary here) in a party. The little girl was dancing her heart out but in a most erotic way. For the 10 mins run of the video her bum was grinding in the most suggestive way against the boys groin. She was a Stripclub Owner's dreamgirl!! I am not easily shocked but my mouth was agape as I watched. In fact I felt aroused and I am not a lesbo. okay exaggerating but it was baaad!!
The boy and girl couldnt be more than 11 years. Initially the boy was merely dancing along, then instinct took over and he was now holding on to her waist and grinding against her. Never doubt that he was aroused even if he may not have understood the crazy messages his brain and testes (aka balls) were firing into his brain. Given a room, they would have followed natural and basic instincts.

This event bears credence to my pet belief that sex education should happen as soon as possible. I wouldn't go to the extreme of teaching sex education to 5yr olds as recently approved by the UK School Board (link here) or the Joys of Teen Sex (link here) targeted at 16 yr olds (Yep Brits again). Somewhere around the middle would be just right - 10 years.

I dont have the video to share with you cause the link has been removed by the friend. I know I didnt help matters too. You see, people were already making their usual judgmental comments about the girl's future in prostituition etc etc. But most the abuse was on the parents. Me, I called out the adult who had videoed that dance and thought it wise to shame that little girl by putting it up on facebook when she was a victim. So I guess the guy that put up the video must have read my comment and took it
Somewhere inside I feel happy that I won that victory for the little girl. That her video wont go on Youtube and become a hot watch for pedophiles or voyeurs. But I do wish you all could have seen it.

 My questions were these -
1. Where were the adults in that party? at least the person videoing must have been one.
2. Why didn't anyone think to break up that dance...not necessarily in a 'stop dancing you evil children' but, create a distraction (like little Miss Sunshine's parents). Change the music. Separate those two.
3. Who are the parents of these children, the little girl in particular?
4. Who are her siblings? She didnt learn to dance like that on her own. She must have practised a lot..encouraged by friends and senior siblings (like in the video below). Didnt they know better?
Don't all of the above need to be flogged, shamed or put in dance rehab??
I will cast no blame on that child. She is the product of a dysfunctional society, probably absent or 'I care less parents' and irresponsible musical videos. She is a great dancer no doubt BUT...what she needs to be told is that that kind of dancing has consequences. You can arouse the wrong type of people. It is indecent to grind your hips on a guy's groin.....well unless it is private and voluntary.

I was at a child's birthday party sometime last year in which the DJ's music was veerry kiddie's oriented. There was a lot of jumping up and down, head bopping, swinging of right arm/left arm, right leg/left leg etc. Dance routines that involved memory and mnemonics and clean healthy exercise.
Initially I was a bit disappointed cause I was comparing it to Nigerian style kid's parties where the latest pop music blares from the speakers not minding the sexual undertones in the lyrics or dance - 'Let me take you to
the Candy shop', 'Make I tell them the Koko', those days of Makosa.
But looking back now, I see I need to be re-cultured. Let kids be kids. Parents please don't be too caught up with work and life's stresses that you forget to pay attention to your most precious responsibility....your child's upbringing.
What do you guys thinking? Am I being too harsh?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

My love dont weigh a thing: SumoWrestlers

I was thinking about fat guys and Sumo wrestlers came to mind…...these guys weigh an average of 350 pounds (160kg) to 500 pounds (227kg) ….and the thought popped in my head ‘What kind of woman or should I say size of woman marries them?’

Answer – Small Beautiful Japanese Women!
In fact contrary to what we think, top sumo wrestlers are considered very sexy by many Japanese women.

I am trying hard not to think of bed gymnastics but I wonder if they sign a no-suffocation pre-nuptial clause. Me thinks it is veerrry important.
Meanwhile the above sumo wrestler Yokozuna Asashoryu, has since separated from the wife. Or more like Wife ran away with her kids. Rumor has it that he was physically abusing her.
I. Don’t. Want. To. Think. About. It.

P.S. If you want to learn more about sumo wrestlers you can read these links here and here and here. It is quite an interesting ‘way of life’. Not for the faint hearted or lazy like you may have thought!
According to a rumor in Korea, attractive young women marry sumo wrestlers because they hope the wrestler’s obesity will lead to an early death and the young women will inherit their money. Japanese claim this rumor isn't true.
What do you think?

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Nigerians and their pets - Part 2

Tutsi’s pups

Dr T herself has the most adorable dog, Tutsi. Wonder if she’s still alive now? She must be 9 yrs and if she will remember me! Tutsi and I had this love thing going on. She loved Dr T best anyway but I was her side kick. She had this cute but crooky overbite which gave her a not so nice smile. But her honey blonde long hair was so pretty.
My most memorable event was when Tutsi gave birth. We had nursed her through her 3months pregnancy from back rubs to tummy rubs to extra snacks and pampering. Her Edd(expected date of delivery) was supposed to be a Thursday, but she proceeded to give birth on Wednesday when I was off-duty. So I came in to work Thursday morning and Tutsi ran out to say Hi as usual. She literally ran in and brought out her babies one by one to proudly display to me while madly dancing around like “hey congratulate me, I did it”. I did. "Go Tutsi, Go Tutsi". I had to stop her dancing, so she could conserve her
For me that event put paid to the myths about female dogs and their babies. They are extra-protective yes, but they also know those who love them.
Tito my Protector
Remember Tito from the last post? I told you we got on like wild fire with Tito didn’t I? Well, let me recount his protectivism for his favourite human(me). So there was this doggy R (an Alsatian) that came for treatment. He had to be admitted for some days so he could take his injections cos his owners didn’t live near. An adult dog at 4years, he was also a spoilt irritating brat of a dog that wouldn't let you touch him. Just because. See that attitude is cute in small dogs cause those usually think they are 'all that' but a big old awkward Alsie? Gimme a break.
I dodged being assigned to give him his injections cause he and I weren’t getting along. Moreover he was an older patient so he was familiar with the other docs. Anywho, come Tuesday, Dr T was off and I had to do the honors; R wouldn’t let me. He kept growling and just being a bitchy bitch. Tito and Co(5) were out in their play ground having fun. They must have noticed my distress cos they left their play and came over. Remember Tito and co were pups - 3-4 months old. They sort of mounted a guard beside me and barked at R, Tito leading. I shall interpret the bark as meaning ‘Will you stfu. What’s wrong with you? Dr G is the sweetest thing here and let me warn you if you give her a hard time, you will answer to us’. Lols. Well, it must have been what they said cause R who had been giving me hell this past 25 mins went quiet and under their watch he cooperated and I gave him his jab. Not a peep from him.
Trust me, my protectors had their fill of doggy snacks that day. I loved that dog!

Owner vs Paid Help
Miss X came with her pet dog TT for some skin ailment which required daily injections for 5 days. This dog was one bloody Mongrel/Bingo whose status had been elevated by having loving owners (No, I am not being a dog snob).
So lady came with TT, and kept patting/rubbing him and Sweetie-ing her. Time for injections and as I got the syringe ready, lady goes ‘Dr G, isn’t it going to be painful for poor sweetie”(insert evil glare). Dog noting the sympathy in Miss X’s voice started whimpering and shaking like a jelly fish. As I came to the treatment table he lept for her arms whimpering ‘pls save me saaave me’ on cue Miss X goes “Doc, is an injection really necessary? Won't tablets do? He is scared”. Nope Lady injections are necessary and faster. I don’t trust you to give him tabs twice a day at the right time duh.
This went on for days 1-4. Each treatment taking about 40 mins cause Miss X feeds her dog’s anxieties with hers.
On Day 5 , she couldn’t make it and TT comes with the family chauffeur. Chauffeur summarily marches TT in, helps me get him onto the treatment table and under his watchful glare and threatening back hand, TT and I finish the treatment in 8 mins tops. I no fit laugh. Doggy knew who could take her nonsense!

Dog Mom for a day.
A client’s Boerbull bitch had just given birth to 10 pups. Bitch only had 8 nipples so in a survival of the fittest contest, the stronger eight got fed while the two weakest ones were sidelined. Sadly the owner was more than happy with the fit 8 and couldn’t care less what happened to the two. One had already died by the time he brought them to the clinic. The last one wasn’t doing too well. Dr U and I asked him for the weak one and he happily left him to us. We were thinking that if we could nurse him we might just get a dog that way. Note Boer-bull pups go for 80-100,00 naira.
W, an Intern took him home the first night. Think a 4 day old pup. Still blind. Hairless. Suckling. She required warm dog milk like every 2 hrs. and since we didn’t have bottle teats that tiny we had to be giving it with pipettes-drop by drop. W came in the next morning with bleary eyes complaining about lack of sleep. But pup looked alright.
That night was my turn to take him home. I learnt what new moms go through first hand. I stayed awake all night cos it took almost 2 hrs to feed him 5 ml of warm milk. So by the time that is done, he is ready for the next one. Pup slept on my belly covered with a woolen scarf. He would sniffle and shuffle up to my neck, then fall off. His yelp will then wake me. He even peed on me twice. Yep the things we do for love and medicine!.
I was like a zombie by morning. But yeah he was alright though not as bright eyed and bushy tailed.
Dr U took him home the third night. Did I mention Dr U is male? Need I finish?
Pup was looking worse for wear in the morning while Dr U was looking bright and bushy tailed - like someone who had slept all night. What can I say….pup died by midday. Case closed.

The Lady and the Tramp
Mrs K came to the clinic with the cutest honey tan German shepherd J. She told us she had bought female J cause she hoped to breed and sell her pups. So J was a business investment. With her nice coloring she can sell each pup for 30k. Anyway her complaint - J had been adding weight, sleeping too much and just generally being lazy. What was wrong? Following examination – Diagnosis was – J is pregnant. You should have seen that woman. If that dog was human it would have gotten a resounding slap. ‘How? Where? WHO give you belle?(who got your pregnant?). We had to hold on tight to our laughter till she left.
We later got the answers to the Who – the neighborhood’s randy Bingo, Where – in the house. How – Being inexperienced Owner didn’t notice when J was on heat. But Neighborhood Bingo knew and was having conjugal relations with her precious dog every night. Result – pregnancy!

Another Lady and Tramp
Client F came to the Clinic her pet Pomeranian to pick some pet toiletries. Pomeranian was on heat too and Client had plans for a Pomeranian male mate. Pomeranian took off on a walk round the clinic. Further down was a kennel belonging to Y the resident Doberman. Y had been abandoned by its owners. He had lost his back legs in an accident so was disabled. The owners stopped caring for him and out of guilt brought him to the Clinic and abandoned him with us. Anyway before you could say 'Dober what', Pomeranian had discovered Y whose Kennel door was open and had already set her tail and ass up lovingly for some sugar. Our shout was what shocked them into inaction. 
I don’t want to imagine what that hybrid mix would have looked like if Boy Y had been successful. Ewwwww. It is this kind of hybrid mixes that lead to those odd looking mongrels (Bingo dogs) we know.
The Pet's world is alive and growing in Nigeria. Security is usually the primary reason for getting pets in Nigeria, followed by status then love. But many miss the fact that security goes hand in hand with love cause if you treat your pet well then you get its undying devotion which means it protects you even more fiercely. We are not yet there but we will get there.
Many of you my friends say you are scared of dogs. It makes me sad cause you are missing it out on some great companionship :)
Did you have a dog growing up? Got tales? Come on share..

Monday, April 11, 2011

Nigerians and their pets - Part 1

Long post. Hopefully it will be worth the read.

From comments on the last post, I thought maybe I tell you all some experiences I had working as a Vet in Nigeria. Yep I was a vet in another life and I soldiered on for 2 years after graduation despite the evil low pay just cause of my love for animals but love doesn’t pay the bills.
So first…contrary to what most of us think. Nigerian pet owners do love their pets and it cuts across all spectrums (what I can see that limits their use of veterinary services is education and the income). For some the pets have been there for so long they are counted as family members (dogs especially, cats are generally maligned as witches …don’t look at me. I love cats).

I have seen grown men yes you heard me grown-ass Nigerian men break down and cry at the death of their pet. I have seen men take days off from work because their dog was sick or cause they couldn’t cope with work after a pet’s death. Yep full blooded macho men! Let me start you off with this story….

Dog vs wife!
Mr. H’s 10 year old his Alsatian ate some poisoned food and was put under intensive care. It was touch and go for some days and Dog B was mostly unconscious. This guy faithfully visited his dog every afternoon. During his visits he regaled us with his bachelor day adventures with Dog B. How Dog B had been with him through hard times and now good times. He would just sit down and rub his back or hold his paws. A grown ass married man. The wife came one of the days and was bitterly complaining like’ haba Mr. H should just let you people euthanize this dog and buy a new one. This dog has lived long enough’. Hopefully she never said it to him in the face cos I don’t think she understands that this dog was there before she and Mr. H got married. Mrs. H just didn’t understand. In fact deep inside we suspected she might be the poisoner.
Dog B recovered. The first time he came out of unconsciousness was in response to his Master’s voice as he persistently called him by his pet name. He opened his eyes and gave one soft woof and a tail thump. Note The dog had  a ‘pet’ name after its regular name. I think that was one of my most touching hospital scenes.

Grass to grace!
Dr. Zee had six Alsatian puppies up for sale. The first three got sold but alas the last three had no takers. And the owner technically abandoned the dogs. Now the thing about selling dogs in Nigeria is people prefer to buy puppies so they can train them. Also buying older dogs comes with its hazards in case they were badly trained or allowed to grow defiant of human authority. So these three doggies remained with us growing older by the day. Dr Zee was loathe to name them cause he didn’t want them getting used to names that new owners mightn’t like. He was also very careless with their food. Remnants from the nearest Tantalizers was their fare (think The Lady and the Tramp)-in case you think that’s cool NO it isn’t. Dogs need clean balanced food too. So the three dogs were not well fed nor were the attendants giving them good care.
Anywho at 5 months one day, a Brit expat walks into the clinic and says he needs security dogs. We showed him the dogs and after inspecting them plus some good sales spiel he bought them. Then went on to do some doggy shopping. From the best dog halters, to combs and brushes, to bags of imported dog food, to dog chews (snack) and toys - these dogs were an amazing grass to grace story.
Sometimes I use it as a prayer God if you could do it for these dogs, you can do it for me!!

Grace to not so grace!
In another story there was Bianca and Tito(male). Two Alsatians bought off us by a certain Mr. D. Mr. D had to leave the country just after the purchase so the dogs remained in our care till he came to take them home for the first time. Now note this was a different vet clinic from the above. In fact let me advertise its Paws and Claws on Ogunlana drive, Surulere.
Dr T loves loves animals and it shows in her care of her patients. For the sake of economy, the doggies meals are homecooked (with the freshest ingredients meat, fish, bone, crayfish veggies, noodles, rice). I am yet to see a dog refuse our yummy food. So Tito and Bianca were on this fare for all of 3 months. They had their morning and evening runs when they get to play and interact with other pups. Tito and I especially got on like wild fire. I used to dress for that dog- cause he just had to bless me with his dusty paws every morning in greeting. No matter how many sharp ‘Tito down’ I said, he would just sneak up behind me jump on me then run around me with gleeful eyes and tongue. Naughty brat.
Anywho Owner finally came back and took them home. Six days after he called to say they were sick. No apetite, diarrhea etc.
We told him to bring them in. The speed with which those dogs ran outta of the car when he arrived belied his words. Tito ran around greeting all his old pals, cleared the plate of food we set before him and ran back into his kennel.
On further questioning, Mr. D explained that they were being taken care of by the Help. Then we understood. Diagnosis- Tito and Bianca had home sickness… lol.
So we had to explain all over again that dogs do need good care. These ones were used to good care. Leaving their care to Helps isn’t always good care.  He had to make an extra effort to supervise the Helps unless they can die on him (scare tactics). He had to bring in the Help to learn our recipe too…at least gradually break them in. The next time we saw him was 2 months later when they came for a vaccine shot. Still the same happy bunch but they knew their home now. They were doing just fine.

Princess has a new home
Mr Y is scared of dogs but needed one cause he and his family just moved into their new home which was sort of lonely. He felt a dog would help with security. We offered him the German shepherd we had available. They are big dogs but quite gentle with kids. You should have seen the way he led that puppy home. Even the puppy was not quite sure what to make of the owner. No pats, no hugs, in fact we had to help him lift the dog into the car. I was scared for the family cause I was like if Dad can’t handle dog, who can?
Answer: The kids can.
They had an appointment in two weeks time and I didn’t believe the confident, waggy dog that walked in with its proud owners- Two girls and a boy age range 5-9. Doggy had been named Princess. The lil madams were the ones giving instruction. No Dr. Ginger, don’t touch Princess there she doesn’t like it.  or ‘No do it like this not like that. She likes it that way’. Princess only eats this she doesn’t like that. I couldn’t complain. Little doggy has got a home!!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Doggies protest - I hate haute couture

I'm sure you've all seen this haute couture dog before. Well, here's the complaint from one I saw on Craigslist. Hilarious!!
Lady, just because your boyfriend doesn’t want to settle down, doesn’t mean you should pretend that I’m a real baby in hopes that he’ll play along in your twisted game of “house”. I promise you’re scaring him off, and it makes you look insane. Think about it, you dress me like a Gap employee and tote me around like a damned fashion accessory. It’s disgusting, and you need to get your sh*t straight. Meantime, you can stop force-feeding me Altoids, you bitch.
While I’m on the record, there are some other things I could do without. Yeah, as it turns out, I don’t really care for the ylang-ylang oil massage. It’s not relaxing, it actually hurts and generally creeps me out. In fact, it’s damn close to rape.
Oh, and next, I’m not actually a frigging vegetarian. Do you honestly think that I prefer couscous and tofu over my lamb and beef nuggets? Lettuce wraps? Are you serious… what is your problem? I would rather eat my own shit, and guess what, when you’re asleep, I do. Then I lick your face and laugh about it.

Don’t even get me started on my name. Louis Vuitton? You superficial bitch. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? I’m already wearing the gayest sweater since the "Cosby Show", but you insist on naming me after an expensive line of European handbags. Seriously! You make me look like a complete pussy and I hate you for it. For real, the next time you try to gel my hair, I will tear a hole in your windpipe. I swear, I will. 
Not that you’d ever notice, but you continue to place me in dangerous situations. Just yesterday at the dog park, I could feel the cold hard stare from a Doberman through my Kenneth Cole double-breasted pea coat. Sh*t, even the French poodle called me a fag, and he was wearing a beret. 
Do you have any idea what would happen to a dog like me at the dogpound? You don’t even WANT to know. I step in there with even a whiff of CK One on me, and it’s all over.

It pisses me off that you don’t pull this shit on the cat (Although it’s probably because she’s a lesbo). I am really tired of the smug looks I get from that butch-ass feline. Just once I’d like to see you put an ascot around her neck and let her feel what this shit is like. Then she’ll realize it’s not funny, and I’m in real pain here. At the very least you could throw a flannel shirt on that dyke and even it up here, you owe it to me. I promise I will end all nine of her lives if I ever get a chance to chase her without these miniature Steve Madden patent leather urban utility boots strapped on my paws. Not that I’d get far; even without the shoes I still have to battle these Italian micro suede chinos. 
Listen lady, I’m at the end of my rope and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (Yes, there’s a lot of time for that while you watch E!, thumb through your copy of People magazine, stopping occasionally to read the text message on your jewel-encrusted Sidekick). I have decided that I’m running away. I’m going to take my chances on the outside. Tomorrow morning, during doggy yoga, I am fucking gone, baby – and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

The last thing you’ll see is my puckered little asshole as I’m out the door, but not before I leave a hot, soft and juicy turd pile right on my miniature doggy yoga mat – and I’ve got a half a pound of espresso beans and 3 bran muffins from breakfast to make sure it’s a good one. 

But seriously, people, why would someone do this to a dog/an animal? It is totally unfair!! Every inch of their body has a purpose and is probably better evolved than man in coping with the vagaries of the weather. Lets keep it real and let dogs be dogs!!

On another side note - imagine a conversation  between a typical Nigerian dog and a Western dog - "Ol' boy, dem dey wear you clothe??!!"

Related link - Being a dog is no walk in the park

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Growing pains: the brother formerly known as last

The Brother formerly known as last born(TBFKAL) was a terror in my life growing up.
 TBFKAL is the Father incarnate to my Mother incarnate. He never really used the 'incarnate status' as flamboyantly as I did, but he is the acknowledged 'true son of the soil' (compared to the eldest bro) amongst the village people. He knows the family genealogy like his palm, and every twist and turn in the village.

I sucked my left thumb until my first night in boarding house at 12. As an avid reader of Enid Blyton’s Secret Seven, Mallory Towers, St Clare’s Series, nobody needed to tell me that the teasing that would follow if I was caught could last me a life time.
But………… I nearly stopped one time when I was 6. After reading to me the story about Pinocchio, TBFKAL told me that if I continued to suck my thumb, that it would grow and grow and grow like Pinocchio’s nose and I would never see the tip again. I cried nonstop for 5 hrs holding on to my (imagined) increasingly lengthening thumb. It was till my Mom came home, hugged me, told me it was a lie and gave him a well deserved cuff that I stopped. Missed opportunities.
At various other times he had also tried the pepper treatment, the bandage treatment, the bitter leaf treatment. All to no avail I sucked ‘em all off. Now when I see Moms worry over their thumb-sucking kid, I’m like don’t worry, s/he will stop when the time is right.

TBFKAL used to beat me if I sass him. Once or twice he even threatened me with his belt. That was after he became a boarding student and decided that I would be his practice fag.
I had a special song for him too.
Oke Clementi – Clement the rat
Osa Simonu – Simon the squirrel etc etc This song was guaranteed to raise his ire! Then I would run to the nearest eldest sibling for protection. A bit of Tom and Jerry.

I was my brother’s ATM machine growing up. He knew I was in awe of him and he used it to his advantage. I always had money courtesy of coming first in exams. and I was so thrifty. I would save and save so I can splurge it on presents for my best friend and myself. Bro would ask me for some (promising to pay back)and I would give him and that is the last I hear of it. If I dare to remind him to pay, I get threatened with a beating. My sisters were sympathetic initially but got tired when I kept falling for his crap over and over again.

Thanks to him I was the acknowledged ‘happening’ babe throughout secondary school cause he introduced me to all the latest hits and their dance steps. I was called the Music Dictionary. I owe my love of rock music to him.

TBKAL could tell a  mean folktale with ‘Mbe’ the tortoise as his muse. He introduced me to Omenuko, Omalinze, Oka Mgba, Mbediogu, Isi akwu dara n’ala, etc. All those Igbo literature masterpieces. Sigh. I prolly owe my A in Igbo language to him.

I loved him best when we are co-conspirators against the elder siblings. Yes! being the youngest ones and getting talked down to can be a pain atimes.

He gave me the sweetest nephew Dubs. Love him like he were mine! He was born when I was old enough to appreciate the miracle of birth. He used to call me 'Mom' and his mom – Aunty. Sweet!

I love you brother dearest and wouldn't exchange you for another. Miss you.

Got any sibling story to share? Go on tell…

Monday, April 4, 2011

Growing pains: Born last but not least!

Once upon a time there was a perfect family of Eight. Agatha and Edward Snapasaman and their six kids, four girls and two boys. They weren’t rich but they were very comfortable.
Fastforward 8 years, one morning in June,  47 yr old Agatha went to her husband and said ‘Eddie, I think I am pregnant, I told you we were too old to be carrying on like that’. Lol..let my mom catch me!!! Come January, little Ginger came kicking and snapping into the world.

Well, that was my story in a nut shell. I could expound on the fact that…Mom had been advised to abort me. Think Down’s syndrome. Think mongloidism think the numerous dangers of pregnancy at that age etc. But tough Catholic faithful that she was, she said, ‘whatever child the Lord gives me, I will take’.
So you can imagine their joy when I turned out to be one freaking intelligent and adorable child. I hope that has made up for the stress I put her through.

Other interesting facts about this child:

1. My elder sister thought I was an embarrassment. Imagine it, she was 18 and in her 1st year in University when I was born. She felt gossips would think I was hers…lol.

2. My grandma hated me...cause my mom was her only child and following my birth she was very sick. So to her I was the child that wanted to steal her daughter’s life. We sort of became good pals as we grew older but alas I don’t have as much warm stories to tell about her like my sibs do.

3. I am supposed to be a re-incarnation of my paternal grandmother. All my extended family say I look and behave like her. In fact I cinched it one morning, when I woke up picked up a broom and started sweeping the verandah and environs. The elders exclaimed that indeed 'I am the mother' cause that was her usual routine every morning. Wtf???

3b. Anyway, sequel to being my own father’s mother incarnate, I am called Mommy by his sibs – my Yes o. they all call me ‘Mommy’. They give me the choicest fruits and drinks when we go home for Xmas. And I happily call them ‘my daughters’.
Fact -  I used the status as a ploy to get my daddy to buy me a doll when I was 12. He had initially refused ‘that I was too old’. So I crafted a letter and put it in his briefcase when he left for a business trip. It read:
Dear Son,
This is your mother asking you to buy her a doll. I would be very disappointed if you come back without one.
Love, Your Mother
Yep, I got the biggest sweetest doll in the market. Wish I had a pix of her. I loved her.

4. My dad flogged me for the first and only time when I was seven. He had just finished washing his whites and I dragged them round the floor. I can’t remember why I did that now but I remember him folding the Daily Times newspaper for that day and applying it to my tender buttocks. I haven’t forgotten. My mom on the other hand has a fast hand – I remember several backhands, slaps and knocks growing up.

5. For a short period I thought I was adopted. I had overheard my mom telling a childless friend to adopt a child. That she had done it and thought it was the best decision she had ever made. So I thought it was me. I mean that age gap, the endless teasing from sibs about me being black and thin, I had to be the one. I loved the idea and spent many a morning imagining who my real parents were and how they were going to come sweep me away ala Cinderella.

6. I became an Aunty at 8years. And a great Aunt (yay!) to my first niece’s twin girls last year. Amazingly I carried that little girl, wiped her ass, changed her nappy and fed her all that gooey baby stuff. Now she’s prettier/taller than me, bigger than me and is a mum herself. Life!

7. I get away with teasing my parents mercilessly. Especially my Mom. Last born privileges. My sibs are in awe at what I can get away with.
8. I hated my teenage years cause I was in constant conflict with my mom. She either thought I was too worldly wise or she felt she was protecting me from teenage pregnancy or some other teen-horror. But that was exactly what hurt. That she had so little faith/trust in her intelligent daughter. I hated her that period and used to pray with all my heart that God will find me another family to be part of. Of course He didn’t, but sadly we never had time to reconnect cause University came and I ran off happily to Ibadan knowing her arms couldn’t stretch that far.
9. I said I love you to my Mom the first time in 2008. I had watched one of those movies that make you remember how important family is and how much you should appreciate them. So the next time I called home, at the end of the conversation I went ‘Take care Mommy. I love you’. There was a split moment of silence then she replied ‘I love you too daughter. God bless’. Since then it has become a usual part of our conversation. Now she also says I’ve missed you. My Dad has been inculcated too. He doesn’t say ‘I love you’ back, but I know he loves hearing it so I say it. He’s my son after all.

10.  After 25 years of reigning as last child in the Snapsaman family, my mother went out one day and came back with a seven week old baby girl. So yes we have a new baby of the house. Spoilt as beans. You dare not complain about her manners cause my dad will actively defend her ‘I hope you realize you were worse as a child and yet you turned out nicely’. I rest my case. I love her dearly too my little sister; even if she’s a pain!

Post was indirectly inspired by Mother’s day, by NaijaMum’s post and by my own narcissistic TMI tendencies.


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