I Dont Know How They Do It

6.20am

You hear a faint mumbling and intelligible talk then full on attention seeking crying, naaa naaa.

You hear an adult sigh and door opening.

Crying stops

Footsteps.

Coming towards your room

Your door squeaks as a short UWO (unidentified walking object) tries to pull down the handle

By then you are fully awake,

You listen to its grunts with glee thinking…Come on!!! give up!

It doesn’t.

Door opens.

You can feel it starring at the mound that’s you under the duvet

You hear the hesitant  ‘Anthi’ 'Anthi' or 'Nonnnii'

You sigh inside and struggle to stop that love Oxytocin from flowing

Then he lifts your duvet and reaches for your hair

Ouch!

You quickly sit up..and beam 'Good morning my love' to Monsieur 16months

He responds with a giggle and a more confident ‘ANTHI!!!’

Duty done waking you, He continues on his mission,

Next stop: his siblings’ room

Squeak, grunt, door opens

Footsteps

Screams ‘Mommy/Anthi/Daddy, Monsieur 16 is pulling my hair’

Its official. It is morning.

Somebody gimme aspirin. Its gonna be a long day.          

You lie back in bed, trying to talk with God, plan your day with ears cocked (to hear slaps or banned words)so you can arbitrate fairly when complaints come - which is every 10 mins.

Then you hear the toilet flush once, twice in succession.

Monsieur 16!!

Now you really have to get up.

Monsieur 16 thinks toilet flushing is the 9^th wonder of the world (8th wonder is the washing machine)

7.15 bath time is announced

7.20 you re cajoling Monsieur 6 to come and bathe

7.25 you give up and tell the biddable Madam4 to come and bathe instead

7.27 Madam 4 and Monsieur 6 are fighting over who will be first in the bathroom

7.29 Madam 4 wins with Aunty admonishing Monsieur 6, “you snooze, you loose”

7.30 you bathe Madame 4 to the accompaniment of Monsieur 6’s wailing

“I wanta be first”

7.40 Sulky Monsieur 6 bathes

7.48 its Rub Ude time

Repeat steps above

8. 05 Dress up time

Repeat steps above

Breakfast

“I want Cocopops”. “I want cheerios”

Dish Coco pops. Dish Cheerios

“Aunty, I want Coco pops. Don’t like Cheerios”

Nigerian Aunty announces – “Pity. You shall eat what is before you. And you are lucky. When I was a little girl I didn’t have choices. I eat what I’m given”

Blank stares as heaving mouths chew.

Pots clang

Monsieur 16 months thinks he is a chef (bless him).

Must write that letter to the pot makers. Glass cover is the bomb! Can withstand WW3

You take the pots away. Put them back in kitchen cupboard.

Poke a finger in his face saying Nooo Noo

Turn back to supervise breakfast eaters

Pots clang

Repeat steps till he tires of ‘game’

8.40

School time.

Klds march to car with dad

“Bye Aunty. I love you”

“Bye Kids I love you” (and under your breathe “but I hope you get adopted for the next 4 years by aliens”)

It’s now you and Le’ Monsieur 16

Bath time. 4mins

Dress up time 4mins

Breakfast. 6 spoons of Cerelac. 65mins. Accompanied by Aunty singing, dancing, clowning interspersed with ‘Monsieur16 S w al low your food.

Or Aunty physically keeping his mouth shut to prevent deliberate dribble.

Meal over.

Clean mouth

Clean table

Clean floor

Clean self

Acknowledge post-breakfast parcel in nappy.

Leave Happy Baby in front of TV singing

'Sam is the hero next door'

Time to do some work

Open up laptop

Pots clang. Run downstairs.

Carry him up the room

Wait for aged laptop to boot

You hear a faint ringing sound.

Heyo! Heyo!

Run after Monsieur to take your phone and end the call.

Type in naijamuminlondon.blogspo…

Toilet flushes

Run to toilet to find a wet monsieur. Change clothes

Imprison him on your bed

Try to read a post while holding an octopus.

A tiny finger steals towards the keyboard

You push it back saying Noo

Continue reading

Good gist. Click on comment

Type one or two sentences

Notice Blank Blackscreen

You hear a giggle next to you

Monsieur 16 pressed the power button

You struggle between hitting your head on the wall and knocking his on the wall

You imprison him in your arms

Sleep time

And to show example. You close your eyes…this is the way you sleep

15 mins later

You wake up from your short nap

Monsieur is still in your arms, playing with his fingers while 

peering at you at intervals.

12.30

Its feed time again

one spoon, 2, 3, 5, 6 Monsieur closes sleepy eyes

Noo you little imp. This is eat time. You had your chance

Crying

Wailing

Aunty wins

Monsieur 16 and 'Anthi'

Its Meal time

1.30

Meal time over

No sleepy eyes

Put laptop on again

Face personal chores*

Play with baby in between he is a baby afterall

Put on Cartoonito

Sing ‘Sam is the hero next door’

Dora Dora Dora Dora Dora

Illogical crying. Wailing.

Sleep time

Aunty bathes

Prepares lunch  - Noodles

School kids return

What’s for lunch Aunty asks Monsieur 6

Noodles

Yay. I like Noodles Madame 4

Yuck, I don’t like Noodles Monsieur 6

“Miss Granger said they are bad for you”

Me too.I don’t like noodles Madame 4

Evil eye at Monsieur6

You don’t have a choice

You shall eat Noodles

They eat Noodles

I love Noodles Monsiuer 6

Can I have more pls

Aunty 1: Mrs Granger 0

Make a note to tell teacher to stop poisoning children’s mind towards food. Hissss

Monsiuer16 awakes

Screams of Hello Monsieur 16. I missed you.

Sweet sibling reunion

Monsieur 16 walks to kitchen

Monsieur 16 smells noodles

Illogical crying and tugging of Aunty’s pants

Monsieur 16 wants noodles

Plonk him in his chair

Give him a forkful

Monsieur 16 clamps mouth tight

Reaches for fork

He wants to feed himself

You leave him with it

5 mins after

Noodle strings on mouth, in hair, on chair, on the floor

Monsieur 6 and Madame 4 are laughing hysterically

You take away noodles

Clean baby

Clean table

Clean wall

Clean floor

Promise cookies to who finishes first

Lunch over

Cookies (you think they’ll forget?!)

Put on Cartoonito

Return to laptop

“Aunty what are you doing?”

Ignore

Question is repeated 3 more times.

Change tactics…this time with arms around your neck

“Are you working on your laptop?”

Question is repeated 3 more times.

Ignore

“Is this your laptop?’

“No it is Peppa pig’s laptop Madame 4”

“No Aunty, it is YOUR laptop and you are working on it”

Under breathe (So why did you ask?)

20 mins of peace

Mobile phone rings

Its bestie from Nigeria

You settle down to have your first adult conversation of the day

Tug tug on trouser hem

Aunty, can Madame 4 have a snack?!!

(translate: I want a snack)

Make ‘go away motion’

Aunty! Aunty! Each Aunty increasing in crescendo

Can Madame 4 have a snack?!!

Stalk to Kitchen and grab a wooden spatula

Wave it threateningly

Go to Toilet.

Lean against door

“Aunty are you there?”

Open the door I want to talk to you

Repeat as many times as required till Aunty opens the door.

Snack time

Quiet time (now you know why we have obese kids)

Crumbs

Spilt juice

Clean up

Snack over

Fights begin

Arbitrate

Naughty corner

Its 6pm

Mom is back

Homework

Supper

Bedtime!

I dont wanna sleep yet. A little TV pls?

10mins

Bedtime!

Bedtime story pls?

Bedtime story is read

Bedtime!

Bedtime Snack pls?

Snack

Bedtime!

Silence

Scuffle is heard.

Mommy, he is calling me silly

Bedtime!

Mommy, she is calling me silly

BEDTIME!! Threaten with wooden spatula.

Silence

Peace

Sound of pots clanging

Monsiuer 16!!

……………………………………

When I said my life wasn't mine in this post. This is what I meant (Hugs Atilola n' Tizzle). These little aliens have taken over my life. How do you moms do it?

*Meanwhile I still have a full time job as a job applicant searching and applying and a part time one with odd hours - Tuesday is the new Sunday - I'm thankful though. Then there is my rss feed full of unread blogs, post drafts, Phd applications to write, friends beeping me on Whatsapp. Read Books, Watch movies..What's that?

 

Most times by the time their mom comes home after my day of child care, I am so frustrated. I am thinking, "why didn't you stop after one"? 

And the poor woman must have had a full day at work too. Don't forget there is also a husband to attend to too (luckily she is blessed by a most house-friendly hubby). but He has needs too (cough cough). 

That reminds me, who is a friend of Elnathan John on facebook? There was an interesting status about marital rape two days ago. Nwunye and a certain Iyabo were on fire lol. Chop knuckle lovely ladies!

Anyway, my dreams of wanting 4 kids has shrunk to 3. To 2. lol. How have you been Blogfam? Hugs and Kisses 

*Nonni - Mommy