Thursday, November 29, 2012

I Dont Know How They Do It

You hear a faint mumbling and intelligible talk then full on attention seeking crying, naaa naaa.
You hear an adult sigh and door opening.
Crying stops
Coming towards your room
Your door squeaks as a short UWO (unidentified walking object) tries to pull down the handle
By then you are fully awake,
You listen to its grunts with glee thinking…Come on!!! give up!
It doesn’t.
Door opens.
You can feel it starring at the mound that’s you under the duvet
You hear the hesitant  ‘Anthi’ 'Anthi' or 'Nonnnii'
You sigh inside and struggle to stop that love Oxytocin from flowing
Then he lifts your duvet and reaches for your hair
You quickly sit up..and beam 'Good morning my love' to Monsieur 16months
He responds with a giggle and a more confident ‘ANTHI!!!’
Duty done waking you, He continues on his mission,
Next stop: his siblings’ room
Squeak, grunt, door opens
Screams ‘Mommy/Anthi/Daddy, Monsieur 16 is pulling my hair’
Its official. It is morning.
Somebody gimme aspirin. Its gonna be a long day.          

You lie back in bed, trying to talk with God, plan your day with ears cocked (to hear slaps or banned words)so you can arbitrate fairly when complaints come - which is every 10 mins.

Then you hear the toilet flush once, twice in succession.
Monsieur 16!!
Now you really have to get up.
Monsieur 16 thinks toilet flushing is the 9th wonder of the world (8th wonder is the washing machine)
7.15 bath time is announced
7.20 you re cajoling Monsieur 6 to come and bathe
7.25 you give up and tell the biddable Madam4 to come and bathe instead
7.27 Madam 4 and Monsieur 6 are fighting over who will be first in the bathroom
7.29 Madam 4 wins with Aunty admonishing Monsieur 6, “you snooze, you loose”
7.30 you bathe Madame 4 to the accompaniment of Monsieur 6’s wailing
“I wanta be first”
7.40 Sulky Monsieur 6 bathes
7.48 its Rub Ude time
Repeat steps above
8. 05 Dress up time
Repeat steps above

“I want Cocopops”. “I want cheerios”
Dish Coco pops. Dish Cheerios
“Aunty, I want Coco pops. Don’t like Cheerios”
Nigerian Aunty announces – “Pity. You shall eat what is before you. And you are lucky. When I was a little girl I didn’t have choices. I eat what I’m given”
Blank stares as heaving mouths chew.

Pots clang
Monsieur 16 months thinks he is a chef (bless him).
Must write that letter to the pot makers. Glass cover is the bomb! Can withstand WW3
You take the pots away. Put them back in kitchen cupboard.
Poke a finger in his face saying Nooo Noo
Turn back to supervise breakfast eaters
Pots clang
Repeat steps till he tires of ‘game’
School time.
Klds march to car with dad
“Bye Aunty. I love you”
“Bye Kids I love you” (and under your breathe “but I hope you get adopted for the next 4 years by aliens”)
It’s now you and Le’ Monsieur 16
Bath time. 4mins
Dress up time 4mins
Breakfast. 6 spoons of Cerelac. 65mins. Accompanied by Aunty singing, dancing, clowning interspersed with ‘Monsieur16 S w al low your food.
Or Aunty physically keeping his mouth shut to prevent deliberate dribble.
Meal over.
Clean mouth
Clean table
Clean floor
Clean self
Acknowledge post-breakfast parcel in nappy.
Leave Happy Baby in front of TV singing
'Sam is the hero next door'

Time to do some work
Open up laptop
Pots clang. Run downstairs.
Carry him up the room
Wait for aged laptop to boot
You hear a faint ringing sound.
Heyo! Heyo!
Run after Monsieur to take your phone and end the call.
Type in naijamuminlondon.blogspo…
Toilet flushes
Run to toilet to find a wet monsieur. Change clothes
Imprison him on your bed
Try to read a post while holding an octopus.
A tiny finger steals towards the keyboard
You push it back saying Noo
Continue reading
Good gist. Click on comment
Type one or two sentences
Notice Blank Blackscreen
You hear a giggle next to you
Monsieur 16 pressed the power button
You struggle between hitting your head on the wall and knocking his on the wall
You imprison him in your arms
Sleep time
And to show example. You close your eyes…this is the way you sleep
15 mins later
You wake up from your short nap
Monsieur is still in your arms, playing with his fingers while 
peering at you at intervals.

Its feed time again
one spoon, 2, 3, 5, 6 Monsieur closes sleepy eyes
Noo you little imp. This is eat time. You had your chance
Aunty wins
Monsieur 16 and 'Anthi'
Its Meal time

Meal time over
No sleepy eyes
Put laptop on again
Face personal chores*
Play with baby in between he is a baby afterall
Put on Cartoonito
Sing ‘Sam is the hero next door’
Dora Dora Dora Dora Dora
Illogical crying. Wailing.
Sleep time
Aunty bathes
Prepares lunch  - Noodles
School kids return
What’s for lunch Aunty asks Monsieur 6
Yay. I like Noodles Madame 4
Yuck, I don’t like Noodles Monsieur 6
“Miss Granger said they are bad for you”
Me too.I don’t like noodles Madame 4
Evil eye at Monsieur6
You don’t have a choice
You shall eat Noodles
They eat Noodles
I love Noodles Monsiuer 6
Can I have more pls
Aunty 1: Mrs Granger 0
Make a note to tell teacher to stop poisoning children’s mind towards food. Hissss
Monsiuer16 awakes
Screams of Hello Monsieur 16. I missed you.
Sweet sibling reunion
Monsieur 16 walks to kitchen
Monsieur 16 smells noodles
Illogical crying and tugging of Aunty’s pants
Monsieur 16 wants noodles
Plonk him in his chair
Give him a forkful
Monsieur 16 clamps mouth tight
Reaches for fork
He wants to feed himself
You leave him with it
5 mins after
Noodle strings on mouth, in hair, on chair, on the floor
Monsieur 6 and Madame 4 are laughing hysterically
You take away noodles
Clean baby
Clean table
Clean wall
Clean floor
Promise cookies to who finishes first
Lunch over
Cookies (you think they’ll forget?!)
Put on Cartoonito
Return to laptop
“Aunty what are you doing?”
Question is repeated 3 more times.
Change tactics…this time with arms around your neck
“Are you working on your laptop?”
Question is repeated 3 more times.
“Is this your laptop?’
“No it is Peppa pig’s laptop Madame 4”
“No Aunty, it is YOUR laptop and you are working on it”
Under breathe (So why did you ask?)

20 mins of peace

Mobile phone rings
Its bestie from Nigeria
You settle down to have your first adult conversation of the day
Tug tug on trouser hem
Aunty, can Madame 4 have a snack?!!
(translate: I want a snack)
Make ‘go away motion’
Aunty! Aunty! Each Aunty increasing in crescendo
Can Madame 4 have a snack?!!
Stalk to Kitchen and grab a wooden spatula
Wave it threateningly
Go to Toilet.
Lean against door
“Aunty are you there?”
Open the door I want to talk to you
Repeat as many times as required till Aunty opens the door.

Snack time
Quiet time (now you know why we have obese kids)
Spilt juice
Clean up

Snack over
Fights begin
Naughty corner

Its 6pm
Mom is back

I dont wanna sleep yet. A little TV pls?
Bedtime story pls?
Bedtime story is read
Bedtime Snack pls?
Scuffle is heard.
Mommy, he is calling me silly
Mommy, she is calling me silly
BEDTIME!! Threaten with wooden spatula.


Sound of pots clanging
Monsiuer 16!!
When I said my life wasn't mine in this post. This is what I meant (Hugs Atilola n' Tizzle). These little aliens have taken over my life. How do you moms do it?
*Meanwhile I still have a full time job as a job applicant searching and applying and a part time one with odd hours - Tuesday is the new Sunday - I'm thankful though. Then there is my rss feed full of unread blogs, post drafts, Phd applications to write, friends beeping me on Whatsapp. Read Books, Watch movies..What's that?
Most times by the time their mom comes home after my day of child care, I am so frustrated. I am thinking, "why didn't you stop after one"? 
And the poor woman must have had a full day at work too. Don't forget there is also a husband to attend to too (luckily she is blessed by a most house-friendly hubby). but He has needs too (cough cough). 
That reminds me, who is a friend of Elnathan John on facebook? There was an interesting status about marital rape two days ago. Nwunye and a certain Iyabo were on fire lol. Chop knuckle lovely ladies!

Anyway, my dreams of wanting 4 kids has shrunk to 3. To 2. lol. How have you been Blogfam? Hugs and Kisses 

*Nonni - Mommy


  1. :( I don't even know what to say. *Should I say sorry? Is sorry the right thing to say. Her life is not her own but it will soon be...*

    Sorry... Things have a way of falling into place eventually and no knowledge is lost. Every experience is a lesson. Pele dear. As per job hunt etc just keep on keeping on (cheesy(lol)) keep at it and stay positive. Things WILL fall into place very soon.

    (((BIG HUG))) and kiss mmmwah!!

    p.s- umm... I don't have anything to write o but I just like the sound of "p.s"

    Ok bye.

    p.p.s :D (something just crossed my mind)- Make sure you look for me if you are ever in Lagos!


  2. awwww, kids...looool He looks "gentle" in that picture.

  3. Aww nice pic..

    LOLLLL sorry but wow..ha! I miss you o :)..Pele ndo, its definitely not easy, please when you find the secret to how moms do it, share with a sister..:)

  4. Awwww. I can totally relate. I remember as a little girl, I wanted so many kids because I sort of envied all the attention my mom was getting from her children. I felt like she must be in heaven * warped thinking? I agree * It never crossed my mind that she might want time for herself. I learnt the hard way. My children think it is their right to come in the bathroom with me. Just see it as practice for when you start your own family. Monsieur 16 looks good on your arms though.

    Lmho @ your Facebook gossip. I can see you are still looking for a blogger-gossip partner :)

    All the best with the job search. God's willing something will come up soon.

  5. That is life o my dear anthi. Haha! Oh Lord help you. I'm dreading that over active stage

  6. ....that is what day care is for. I pray you find a day job soon!

  7. wow...that is serious work, mothers please how do you do it?
    All the best with the job search.

  8. Yeah, used to think I wanted many children. Now I'm down to two max, if I do have any. It ain't beans.

    Good luck with the job search.

  9. Hahaha……………..I enjoyed reading this post
    You are forgiven for not visiting my blog
    Saw the Elnatan post on his blog....great stuff

  10. Aww just reading about how busy you've been is tiring in itself... it is good practice though, as someone mentioned :)
    Wish you the very best in your job and PhD applications!! Dare I say have a restful weekend?? :)

  11. He looks such an angel!

    The way you wrote this shows how your mind is, LOL...

  12. Awwww... I can relate to this. My cousins drive me nuts everyday. 6, 4 and 2 years respectively

    Sorry oooo.... U will survive

  13. LOL
    How do we do it???
    We delegate and compartmentalise....Nursery was a God-send for me :)

    Take care and hang in there

  14. Lol. Kids. What a pretty picture Gings. He is completely an adorable child.

  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

  16. Major props to all the moms out there 'cos it is definitely not easy. I know I am not ready for chilluns for sure. Meanwoos I love the way you wrote this...I got the visuals smack down :-)

  17. Bwahahahahahah! Well written girl. Are you reconsidering? I have missed you o! Kee kwanu? Did you give these sweet little beasties Choco Milo in the end?

  18. Oh lord. *big hugs* I have no idea how moms do it & I'm not stressing about that bridge until I get to it. I'm trying to get all the practice I can though. I'm down to just 1 from 2/3. And I don't want twins! My nieces are just 2 (2&4) exhausting but adorable lil things & my sister, God help her is already planning for 2more (yea, she's crazy)

    Missed you sha. Hi5 on the PhD applications & all the best with job hunt *muah*

  19. He looks so adorable in the picture.. Children can be very sweet and at the same time,troublesome..




Related Posts with Thumbnails