Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Pls Don't Judge Me - The Number Series Review

0, 3, 10, 20…. Naa, I really don’t want to know.

So have you seen that Youtube series The Number? I came across it a while bk. Then they were still on episode 2. I never went back to it till last night when I came across the link again.

It’s about this newly engaged couple Melissa and Jason, who delved into their past in the light of honesty and sharing only for the guy to find out that his fiancée has had lots of partners in the past (the number was never mentioned but I am guessing it was lots more than his, and we know what guys are like right?) White flag white flag….no male bashing intended. Just acknowledging your societal-accepted right to be dogs while the female folk keep it virginal.

At the end of watching the rest of the series - it takes about 72mins to watch the 12 episodes - I came to some interesting thoughts/conclusions:
 
What number makes a girl a whore/slut really? Some girls end up with “lots of partners” in that elusive search for The One. Maybe they can be blamed for not having enough control over their pants or sense. Maybe love makes them more gullible than others. Maybe they were less discerning.
Do we judge them on same whore scale as the girl who may have had the same number of partners but was actually having sex for the fun of it? Or on the other hand, how do you compare 7 partners in the life of a 30yr old to 5, in the lifetime of a 20yr old. Is it less acceptable in the later cause she is younger? What is the measuring stick?

Apart from the whorish connotations of having many sex partners, I came across an interesting debate on thenakedconvos site about this same topic, and I noticed guys claiming that the number question is important cause the wear and tear is manifest physically in the vagina. Really? Does a girl who has had say... 20 partners and on average slept with each 7 times due to opportunity/distance whatever, have same vaginal mileage as the girl who has been in 2 consecutive steady relationships and has had sex very regularly in these relationships? I thought it was only childbirth that had any real effect on the vaginal widening.
I’m not a gyno so I don’t know much about these things…I hope I am not sounding ignorant. I would sure like to know. Facts not heresay..

Moving on…the part that made my jaw hang agape was the penultimate episode..the STD test. Not the show but the comments left by viewers.
Summary: Melissa and fiancé went for an STD test as part of their journey in commitment and while Melissa was in the clear, Ray tested positive to an STD.

Now many commenters were convinced Melissa had had the std – Chlamydia by the way, gotten herself treated, then took Ray along for testing to shame him????
I have never seen such whacked/warped thinking in my life. All because they were resolute in slut shaming Melissa. Afterall She is the one who has had lots of partners. She is the one who should have an std.
Naa, people. It doesn’t work that way. Smart is smart. Careless is careless. Naïve is naïve. From what Melissa said in a later video, they had been using condoms all the while, so going for the Test was to put them in the clear of STDs so that condomless action can begin (oh the bliss of commitment). Very smart Melissa. Very smart. I would have thought Testing at the beginning of the relationship even if they were going to use condoms was best…but at least they did it.

Lack of smarts is why the naive ones get pregnant at their first sexual encounter (they are the ones who think coitus interruptus aka withdrawal method works), the naives who think cause a guy has promised to be committed to them they should not insist he gets tested and worse they do it without condoms (THINK, If Mr Committed tells you he doesn’t like condoms, ‘how many other girls has he slept with without using condoms’? That guy is a danger unto himself and others period). The naïve ones are the virgin-before-marriage wives who their husbands end up infecting them with HIV cause they think marriage makes them AIDS proof. I’m not saying don’t trust your man. But I think periodic std check even within marriage might be important cough cough.
For the married folk, it might be too late to begin such a habit, but for dating couples, it might be worthwhile discussing it early on. Pls don’t be that man/woman.

What was their second reason for believing Melissa was guilty? That She did not react like a mad fish seller when the doctor told Ray he had Chlamydia. But then again..why should she? It takes a sinner to truly love and be forgiving. I would like to think  she was calm and supportive cause she was thinking, “ There go I but for His grace”. 
I would also like to think that she was knowledgeable enough to know Chlamydia was the most ubiquitous std, can remain asymptomatic for years and is thankfully very easily curable. Why then should she be mad?

As for Ray’s sister who was waging war on Melissa cause she thought her brother deserved somebody with a less chequered sexual past….pls don’t be that judgmental Sister. Enough said.

Summary, would you really like to know how many partners your boyfriend/fiancé/spouse has had? I remember judging a boyfriend who told me he had slept with more than 10 partners…that was a long time ago. I thought he was a slut and that friendship did not pass go nor did he collect $200 lol.
In the present times, I really don’t want to know. If I meet you and we come to love each other and we are committed to each other that’s all that matters. Let the past stay past. But again, if you have a real slutty past (back to the question…what number makes a guy/girl a slut lol - maybe your conscience should guide you?) especially if some of your partners are people we know (shudder) maybe its best you hint at it so some helpful gossip won’t let me in on the secret and I end up looking a fool. What do you think?
Of course the best course is to keep it locked down until marriage isn’t it. To avoid these STD/trust issues and what not right?

To the true-blue Virgins in the house say Yay..lol
To the Born-again virgins Unu so kwa.
To the girls who are loving and smart about it chop knuckles.
To the technical virgins (everything but the vagina) - hmmmm stds can be passed orally o. Go and get throat swabbed o.

I had fun writing this jare. LMAO.

Please don’t judge me. let your comments be beautiful ….

26 comments:

  1. The virgin thing is overrated imho. The truth is no one is a slut and no one is an angel ( even virgins). No one should judge anyone. But we'll be kidding ourselves that women do not carry the greater responsibility due to risks of pregnancy for the majority of women. Regardless of this, guys who judge a girl on how many guys she's dated, I just feel sorry for them. That she was a virgin before you married her does not mean she won't look out after you're married. She might be more inclined to do so sef.

    What's more important is fidelity and good sexual health practices. If we can manage that, it makes the world that a little bit safer for everyone.

    Adura - Naijalines

    Too lazy to sign in, sorry:)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ha..I wouldnt have agreed with you about virginity being over-rated 10yrs ago, lol. I think it is still a beautiful thing to be virtous. Just that nowadays it feels more like a 'holier than thou' label than a symbol of carnal innocence.

      Fidelity and safe sex practices..Yes Yes Yes to that! Married or not. Virgin or not.

      I would have guessed it was you, even if you didnt sign in ;)

      Delete
  2. I actually have only seen 2 episodes of The Number- the STD episode and the Halloween Party episode. And not even knowing the background, i concluded that Melissa had the std 1st, got her medicine then took Jason to the doctor too. Had nothing to do with the fact that she may or may not have been a slut, but then again i didn't think she did it to shame him. Probably did it so he would get checked but she wouldn't have to put herself on blast for giving it to him.

    The whole "how to judge a whore" thing is ridiculous, especially if you are only basing it on numbers. Like the saying goes, "the devil is in the details". And the whole wear and tear thing is rubbish. If a woman can pop out a baby and go back to relatively close to the normal tightness, i doubt very highly that a couple of rogue penises are going to make her lose her walls (pardon the expression).

    People need to really sit down with themselves and figure out why this whole "numbers" issue is really a concern to them because i doubt its ever for the reasons that people actually say.

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    1. Wow lady Ngo. But why are we so quick to think a lady/girlfriend would be that devious? Doesnt she trust her man enough to tell him she has an STD a curable ine for that matter? If he knew she was sexually active before he met her..then there is always a possibility.

      lol@rogue penises.

      I'm with you on digging out the real reason for that 'numbers' judgment.

      Delete
  3. My first time of hearing about it, and it was is interesting to read! Where do I start from now...hmm..ok, to the question at hand.
    I don't know, and can't say how many numbers, but one thing I know is that, if you sleep with one man/woman, and another sleeps with hundred men/ women, before tying the knot, it is the same fornication!
    True-talk about the naivity of we women.....sometimes, I wonder how we think!
    The wear and tear of the vaginal walls??...SERIOUSLY???.... what about the penis shooting blanks and weak bullets after so much 'wear and tear due to constant use huh?'
    As for this matter, It is volatile and broad...so I will get my apoti and siddon to read other comments, because, me, I no fit shout. *adjustIkebe4chair*...*whereismykulikulidakwa?*willbeback*

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Simply Me has spoken. I love you for bringing up the matter of 'weak' sperm and low fertility due to over usage. lol. It does happen. I even came up with a theory relating increased prostate cancer in men to increased frequency of sex. dont quote me yet shaa.

      Ahh, no controversy here. E be like say people dey run from unnecessary controversy nowadays lol.

      Delete
    2. I forgot to add. Good to see you here :)

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. Hey BP. Been a while. Hope you're great :)

      I noticed they've started Series 2 but its sorta stalled. i saw some other interesting series on youtube. will try those when next i get a break.

      Delete
  5. Adura, SM and Lady Ngo, chop knuckle. Of course people will look for reasons, the most important is society and what it tells us to take seriuosly, in this case that women should be prudes and virgins. Yes, to avoid wahala completely, total abstinence is best, for both men and women. Otherwise, educate yourself and be smart. Don't judge yourself and don't judge others.

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    1. Myne, totally echoing you.

      I didnt even want to go near the prude aspect and its negative effect on women's sexuality.
      In earlier days, at least the 'virginal' period doesnt last for long cause they all got married by 16-19. Nowadays, girls are sitting and folding hands into their 30s waiting for Mr Right who is happily playing the field.

      So unfair.


      Delete
  6. I typed one long comment... Sigh... I shall come back.

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  7. Anthropologically, men are programmed to be wary of a woman who sleeps around as she *may* put him in a position where he is raising another man's kid.. the ultimate waste of resources. I think people will be surprised just how common that is.

    I think it's less to do with how many partners she has had in the past but how likely it makes a guy feel that his woman will sleep around while she's with him.

    Even though the number of past partners is no way to judge the potential risk of infidelity, that is what (at least in part) causes some men to be anxious about sexually experienced women.

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    1. Haha! He comes with anthropological reasoning..lol. Interesting perspective. I do agree with you about other men's progenies being passed off on innocent partners. Waste of resources? Less in today world of abundance, but i get you.

      But why are guys that insecure? Is it mostly an off-the-cuff insecurity? Does true love conquer it?

      And since we've moved from numbers to categorising the woman as 'more sexually experienced', I would like to mention another cause of anxiety...performance anxiety :)

      Delete
  8. lol, I was laughing for most part while reading this...Interesting questions i have never actually thought about.
    I will check the series. I haven't watched it.

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    1. Glad you found it funny. I didnt wanna take myself too seriously jare.

      Delete
  9. lmaoo@technical virgins. Ginger, i love you plenty. Someone asked me this question just last weekend. It's difficult to say what number is too much. My stand is same with yours. There's no blueprint and situations are different.

    So Ginger, what's your number *flees*

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    Replies
    1. LOL!! Glad you asked...

      It is 'More than the Virgin Mary's but less than yours'. Oya its show and tell time. Come back here!!

      Delete
  10. [In Chris Brown's voice] I don't wanna go there... I guess we better go there....Lol
    Well, some women are just should i say unlucky in love? Having many exes doesn't always make a woman a slut sha. But yeah, to 'use your brain' is indeed a way to go. And like you said, if we are cool and you are prepared to be faithful to me, i don't care about your past life and won't judge you. But please don't judge me... Sorry Gings dear but I love love that song.

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    1. Somebody I know loves it too. The post title is sorta dedicated to him...lol

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  11. Fact No 1: Most men will have a heart attack if they learn their woman has slept with anything above 4 men. Fact No 2: That is unreasonable, hypocritical and callous of men seeing that an average upwardly mobile young man actively chasing pussy the way cats chase mice gets to have between 20-30 names on his Hit List before he starts thinking of settling down. Fact No 3: This injustice will continue. It's still a man's world.

    What's a girl to do? Love for the right reasons and hope the right guy would be smart enough to notice. As a guy, I focus on the motives. You may see a woman that has slept with 20 men but who genuinely loved each of these men, ended each relationship properly with the usual pity party including wailing and pulling of hair and of course not forgetting unburdening to a BFF :) , stayed for a while on her own pondering life as a single individual before being swept off her feet by a new guy she believes is Prince Charming before the whole cycle is repeated. This person never double-dated. And yet by 25-30, she's slept with 10 men, fine. Second scenario, we have another girl who has only slept with 5 men but who maintained at least 2 on-going relationships at any one time. Who between this two is more 'decent and responsible'? Your guess is as good as mine. Who will the average guy go for? I leave you to decide. I read somewhere that a girl at 30 should be able to say she has slept with 10 men as any number below would project her as inexeperienced. I doubt if this will work with Naija men. I know a girl who slept with 90 yes, NINETY men before meeting her current boyfriend who's my friend. I know cos the guy told me; Naija man no fit handle am. And he loves her to bits without giving the silly wall wear & tear excuse. My point? There are also cultural dimensions to it. If I were a Nigerian girl, I would keep my mouth shut and never reveal the actual number. But I know this is easier said than done. Usually, when you meet someone new, you are swept off your feet and like the Samarian woman at the well you want to tell this Jesus everything you've done. It is good but o di kwa risky. Read an excellent piece on this sometime ago in a Nigerian newspaper. I'll look for it and post.

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    1. Prof!!!! LMAO@Samaritan woman at the well telling Jesus everything you have done.

      Okay o. So the lies should continue eh? I understand shaa. Prolly agree deep inside. Its just like the compulsion that makes an unfaithful but repentant partner to go and unburden their sins at their innocent partner's feet. I wouldn't go there if I could.

      Delete
  12. Found it; enjoy:

    By Bunmi Sofola

    Dear Bunmi,
    What’s a girl supposed to say if a man asks her how many men she’s slept with? I read somewhere recently that the average female had between seven and ten lovers in a life time. Well, I’m currently 30 years old and I’ve had lots more than that.

    Like 30, as a matter of fact, and I’m sure some of my friends have even had more. Does this make us easy lays? Do you think I should say 10 if I’m asked by a man? My current boyfriend asked me once but I didn’t answer. I’m sure he’ll ask again. I don’t want him to judge me, but then why should I lie about something I’m not ashamed of?
    Betty
    By E-mail

    Dear Betty,
    I make it a policy not to answer the “How many before me?” question and I’m not about to do it now. The reason isn’t because a girl should hide anything -but because the question means nothing. For instance, two women could both have had 10 lovers.

    One could have had four monogamous, long term relationships, with the odd one-night stand or shorter fling throw in. The other might have lost her virginity to her husband and had nine affairs with married men. The circumstances of the sex tell much more about a person than the number of lovers.

    Let’s face it, even if you have managed to hook up with the world’s most liberated man, few can resist a reserved reaction to anything over 10 because this is the number that’s most quoted. At 30, 25 – 30 lovers is, in my own opinion, nothing to be ashamed of. But I still wouldn’t tell if I were you.

    It’s irrelevant really because when a guy asks how many people you’ve slept with, he’s really asking: “Am I special? Or do you behave like this with everyone?” If he’s serious about you, he’s actually far more interested in what’s happening to your heart than your bits. If he does ask, tell him what’s past is past and it’s what happened after you met that’s important. Reassure him he’s special, tell him you love having sex with him and are not interested in anyone else anymore and he’ll probably drop it. If he doesn’t, tell him 10 to shut him up!

    http://www.vanguardngr.com/2011/03/he-wants-to-know-how-many-men-i%E2%80%99ve-slept-with/

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  13. In one old movie (Four Weddings & A Funeral, I believe Or was it When Harry Met Sally, you should know which Ginger),: the girl reeled off the names of 17 different men or so to a sexually-not-as-experienced man. The man's expression? Classic! I'm sure if the tables were to be turned, it'd be the man BOASTING to an intimidated/quitely resentful/imperceptibly disgusted woman who will still take him as he is, and love him up. Life's not fair.

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    1. "Life is not fair" It isn't indeed.

      I think Bunmi's answer cut to the heart of the matter. Thanks for sharing it.

      So Ladies/Gents if anyone asks you just say,

      'Sweetie, you are the last and only, Isn't that all that matters?'

      Delete

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