Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Vasectomy 1: Baby Mama 0

I love reading personal stories on Craigslist. Some are just SMH-funny.


I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company. (this guy deserves a slap for this patronizing description. chai!)

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl. (Gotta agree with him here!)

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocasionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully. (Mrs Someborri anyone??)

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex.(This guy is mean sha!!) Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batsh#t insane again. She ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're a liar".

Her look doesn't change.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from my lawyer stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bull, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly. Very slowly. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

The Moral of My Story - Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

LOL. I don't agree Mister. 
Who has got any more morals to add?

38 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. LOOOOOOOOL! rod? fire? armour??? Roflmao!

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    2. I cant beat this comment. The metaphors lool. Adura it deserves a funny award!!

      Sociopath no be small matter. And as for Baby daddy drama, we see enough on Springer and Kyle. Definitely not cool.

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. The guy sure is mean and madam is one desperate mama...sigh life...Adura's comment sure hits the nail in the head.

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  4. Uh-oh. This is hilarious. The babe got got hahaha

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  5. LMAO, wow! funny but i argee with @naijalines That guy is still a walking sociopath sha

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  6. The guy is just mean, but the baby mama sha! Is she really pregnant, I wonder?

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    Replies
    1. She probably is. Just looking for a willing man to hoodwink and marry.

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  7. Very mean guy like that. But all these women that think they can hook a guy with pregnancy..... oh well.

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    1. A friend said he had a mate who had this girl who was relentlessly throwing herself at him. he was thinking, "lucky me' till sex come enter the matter and she says 'no condom' cause she doesnt like them. For some reason he insists..which made her lose interest.

      7months later, she had a baby...

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  8. The one about dining with the devil with a long spoon (or better still with a power hoover) comes to mind..

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    Replies
    1. Who is the devil in this case? lol. Both wear the label joo

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  9. Adura Ojo's comment is so on point. Maybe the girl is not even pregnant sef

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  10. That guy is mean... Moral of the story, playing smart doesnt always work ;-)

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  11. The guy is not mean joor... he just doesn't like women. And children

    Very unfortunate for this girl.

    Moral Lessons: Dont lie... the truth will set you free

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    1. Ouch! But true. he doesnt like Women. I mean his remarks were down right insulting. But then again, it seems he likes certain types of women - the biddable type. So why wont his opinion remain low. He should challenge himself and deal with real women with no game plan and also try and give of himself not just sex. He might have a rethink.

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  12. The guy is a whole new level of mean, weird, insanely self-absorbed and narcissistic. The lady is a desperado-for-marriage. They both have their faults.

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    1. Odd naija chic!!! long time no see. Welcome hug!!

      weird/self absorbed/narcissistic/mean - Gbam Gbam!

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  13. He is so mean-spirited. Thank God he has had a vasectomy. At least we can be sure that there will be no future mean kids of his ilk roaming the world.

    Thank you sir! Now shut up and sit down somewhere.

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    Replies
    1. lool! Nwunye jie nwayooo but yes o. Eziokwu ka i kwuru

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  14. The woman is deceitful, and the man is mean. Nice combination.

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  15. Replies
    1. Smiles back. Where have you been Boss?!!

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  16. Lol. The guy took way too much pleasure in the whole thing. But I have very little sympathy for the woman; kinda serves her right. Besides, I don't think she's really pregnant.

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    1. He did. But i guess you would too if you knew someone was trying to accuse you of something you didnt do. Paying child support for 18yrs no be joke!

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  17. The guy is mean ehhh. And they said guys don't like drama. It feels like a Nigerian movie! who am I kidding? vasectomy, nigerian movie? at all!

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    1. lool! as in Naija men dont do vasectomy right? Someone needs to talk some sense into them who keep populating the world irresponsibly.

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  18. He is an asshole. She is not so smart either.
    -Lucid (doing this from work)

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  19. "She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up." i LOVE this guy.

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  20. I still use honest diapers - my son is wearing big ones now - and will use them until he is potty trained. As for the scent of the diapers, they smell like baby powder. Other diapers have an unpleasant odor to me.

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  21. nice article.. read more about Vasectomy Reversible at my blog.. thanks alot

    ReplyDelete

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