Friday, March 22, 2013

This is Oyiboland - The Good, Bad, The Ridiculous

Source -

The English Potato
Wonder what the main constituent of your diet will be if you live in Britain? Potato it is. Also called spuds, batata, It can be eaten fried, mashed, baked, waffled, crisped, boiled or roasted. Let me help you quantify its consumption.. Annual potato consumption per Briton is 102kg compared to 3.2kg in Nigeria. What is Nigeria’s potato equivalent? Rice/Yam or Cassava?

Cost of Exotic Food

I bought this half tuber of yam for £1.85 (N444) on Monday. As if to rub my nose in it, later in the evening, I saw this picture. According to Ben Ezeamalu (picture source) , these 4 tubers sold for N400 somewhere in Niger State. I miss Naija!

The Annual Vacation
While it took prayer and fasting to get my 21 day annual leave approved at my workplace in Nigeria, here in the UK it is a fundamental human right. Holidays are approved, planned and paid for 6 months ahead of time. And it is not for the rich only. It is your taxi driver going to Disneyland in Paris with kids, the waitress at Burger King looking forward to a few weeks in Sunny Spain with friends, etc.
I saw a Bank advert in the Metro – "If only people spent as much time planning their mortgage, as they do planning their annual holiday" must be a quote from one exasperated bank officer.

Summer Time Activities
At work I regularly deal with personal data and I’ve noticed that birthdates in April are in the majority. Out of curiousity I did a back-trace to conception month – July. Wink wink. Made in Summer babies.

Poverty in Britain
There are 3.6 million children living in poverty in the UK today. That’s 27% of children, or more than one in four. But growing up in poverty in Britain ranges from being cold, going to school with soggy chips and cold fish fingers in their lunch boxes, not being able to join in activities with friends and/or not being able take their children on holiday for one week a year. Go figure!

Governmentalised Reproduction
There’s this indirect nudge and approval of 4-member families (2 parents and 2 kids). It is seen in tax rebates, holiday discounts, cinema tickets, etc. If you are planning on a third child, be warned, s/he is gonna cost you!!
     Another area is school registration. In England and Wales, 1 September is the cut-off date for school entry therefore babies born in late August (25-31) tend to be the smallest/youngest in class (studies indicate some disadvantage) while September babies mean oldest in class and one more year of child care for parents. 
Smh…. why don’t they just use the good old height method?
Parents kindly durex it in November. Thank you from an August Kid

*Governmentalisation: “wherein our behaviours are being regimented and controlled by institutions”.

Bad Parenting can put you in jail
I read in the papers recently that over 10,000 parents in Britain have been convicted over their child truancy in school. First there are warnings, then fine. Then prison. Interesting law. I likey!!

The Favourite child
The best child in most homes is the house pet. It gets the best seats, the warmest spots, the choicest morsels as a matter of course. Cats and dogs, parrots and guinea pigs are excused behaviour which if seen in the children of the household might end in assault. They are deemed, by their owners, to be incapable of almost any misdemeanour. So when dog bites man, it is always man's fault, even if he is just a passer-by. Everyone in the vicinity will sympathize with the owner's disclaimer, "Twinky wouldn't hurt a fly!".

Domestic Abuse vs Animal Abuse
I was asked the following questions in a quiz during training. What percentage of Brits would report their neighbor if they witnessed them kicking an animal? 25%  50%  75%
What percentage would report their neighbor if they witnessed them kicking their spouse/partner? 25%  50%  75%
A price for the first person with the right answer.

Young Men and Domestic Violence
British men are not much different from their Nigerian counterparts in their understanding of domestic violence. 1 in 5 young British male think that violence against women is acceptable.

Polite Britain
Excuse me, Thank you, Sorry and a smile (grimace) are part and parcel of every conversation. In a restaurant, you will say thank you when you get the menu, thank you when you place the order, thank you when get your dishes, thank you when the waiter takes away the plates and even thank you when you pay! You'll have to say "excuse me" if you want to pass someone and "I'm sorry" if you accidentally touch someone. British people even say sorry if you stand on their toes!

Rude Britain
On the con’s side the ubiquitous use of f**k off cannot be overlooked.
Maybe all that repressed polite behavior has led to a rebellious youthful Britain that uses that ‘f’ word like its becoming extinct.

The British Weather
The British Weather is a sure conversation starter anytime!!!! "Nice weather innit?" "I hear its snowing throughout next week". 
You don't blame them though. Their weather functions like it was under the whims of Harry Potter and cronies. Rain, snow, sunshine, hailstones all in one day.
By the way, "Drought" means that it didn't rain for a whole week in July!!

The British Weather and Transport Inefficiency
It never fails to amaze me how 2 inches of snow grinds the country to a halt. Schools close and the whole rail network shuts down. Half a million cars are stranded on the M25 and everyone clears the shops out of bread and milk. I can’t forget the 4 inches of snow that closed Heathrow for 4days in Dec 2010 (remember this post) meanwhile Norway’s Intl airport was up and running in Hrs after 12 inches of snow.

Transport Costs:
A return ticket from Newcastle to Amsterdam (within Europe) is as cheap as £48. A return train ticket from Newcastle to London (same country) costs £121. Somebody help me understand?!!

Your Right to Choose Death
Firemen and paramedics (doctors too) cannot render aid or treatment unless a person asks for or consents to it. The police can intervene and remove a person against their will if they constitute a threat to others in the vicinity (like a man in traffic, or on a train track etc) but other than that, they must wait until help is asked for. Eg....the suicidal man who walked into the sea in public glare and subsequently drowned was watched on by a rescue team.

Am I wrong? :)

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Lastly on Male Rape - Arousal is not Consent

Hi Blog family,

Thank you for your comments on the post “Can Men Claim Rape?”. I apologise for its length and legalese which made it unreadable - don’t judge me for trying to educate you and I.

So with less legal jargon, let me reiterate, Men cannot claim RAPE in Nigeria. 

And why is this important? Cause it affects the weight placed on sentences and court judgments. According to Nigerian laws, Rape can incur life imprisonment but a Sexual Assault or Sodomy charge? Less. Much less.

A real life situation is the case of former Army Major Bello Magaji (a polygamist with 2 wives and 7 children, and according to him, 3 girl friends also) who until recently was serving a 5yr sentence for sodomy against 4 Teenage boys he had deliberately intoxicated before the act. 


Here is a link to the court proceedings in 2008 and you can see the waffling around the terminologies “sex/penetration/carnal knowledge”. The conclusion was that he had committed Sodomy - an act that was an aberration to nature. But Sodomy neither takes into consideration, the non-consensual nature of his act, nor the mental distress of the victims. 
If we had clear and adequate legal definitions there would have been no need for waffling and he would have gotten more than 5 yrs. 

As if that short sentence was not bad enough, this lovely virtue of public morality was one of those who received pardon from my dearest President a week ago. The guy has goodluck..what can I say!

Lily Johnson made a comment about men *sexually assaulted* by women. Many people have doubts that sex can happen without a man’s consent. 
Truth is, even if there was an erection/arousal, it doesn’t mean he was willing. The movie Disclosure (starring Demi Moore and Michael Douglas) adapted from same named book by Michael Crichton is a classic on that theme.
Former girlfriend and present bosslady makes strong advances on her Ex-but now married -boyfriend and subordinate. Former passions are ignited. Kisses are exchanged, intimate touches, grinds even as Guy says ‘No, Stop, I am married”. She tries to unbuckle belt, he begs no. She still goes ahead. 

Yes, guy is turned on but he also keeps saying "NO". Loudly. In fact he says it 22 times. What part of no didn’t she understand? As it was proven in court, "Arousal is not consent!"

**There is no legal recognition of a non consensual sexual act by a woman on a man as rape. A male victim can only claim sexual assault. 

Why? Cause the woman has no penis :) Read former post here.

Now if she rammed an object up his anus..forgive the language..then he can claim rape in America or assault by penetration in other countries.

Side note: I am so happy to know that the penis has such liability. Men, if you don’t like it, kindly cut of your penis and get a vagina. We can dash you ovaries for free. Thank you.

Jokes aside, I loved this awesome excerpt on yesmeansyes blog. Share with your male folks.

I am not my body, and I am not my penis, and my penis does not make my decisions for me. I do not consent to cheat on my wife because a woman I see in my professional life also makes my penis hard; I am not my penis. I make the decisions and I am responsible for them. A boy does not become complicit in his molestation because an older abuser (female/male) can make his penis erect or cause orgasm. A man who sets a limit with a partner is entitled to set that limit, even if we don’t agree with his reasons, and he does not lose that right if he has a penis that wants different things from what he wants; Because...he is not his penis!

Anyway, I just wanted to touch on male rape cause men do matter but I won’t harp on it like I do for womenfolk. Men rule in Nigeria so if it is of concern to you, push for the change. We women have plenty on our plates.

Do I sound sexist? Yeah, sue me.

Monday, March 18, 2013

And Nigerians called Shenanigans on the NSCDC Commandant

So the NSCDC Lagos Commandant no less chose to make himself a laughing stock in Nigeria’s social media last week.
While the 'oga at the top' hashtag, youtube song, even Tshirts are causing so much mirth, one wonders…has he learnt his lesson or other politicians? Do they even understand what he did? Do we the audience?
He was interviewed on national TV not for his fine face, but to bring light and credibility to his organisation’s activities. 
He failed. First - He lied. There is only one website for the NSCDC but he indicated there were more. 
Second - He gave false information.
He should come back to the public, apologise and give the correct website details.

Irritatingly, but also expected, the respect issue has swaggered into the mix, ’It’s too much’, ‘how about if he was your father’, ‘Touch not the Oga’s annointed’ *wink*, even opinion pieces like this and this etc.

*Wails* Why are we so forgiving and understanding at the wrongest of times?

This is what Prof had to say in answer to a comment on “how unfair it is to mock him”

Coming on national television to disgrace your employers is probably more unfair. What is wrong with simply saying, "I don't know. I really should know but I don't and I am embarrassed about it. You know my generation is not into this tech stuff...", then throw in a charming smile, and go home a supposedly ignorant but honourable man?


Dear Commandant Obafaiye Shem, kindly memorise the above script and give a press briefing. That’s all.

Then again, I am happy he embarrassed his employers. A good staff is a reflection of the person who hired him. You hire a lackey to do the job of a leader .. this is the result - an obsequious employee who cannot respond to the simplest of answers without consulting his “Oga at the top”. Imagine if there was a request before him which needed an urgent/decisive response?

Meanwhile, a quick Google search for the NSCDC website shows this

I was quite impressed to find it was a functional website. Easily navigable. Loads fast. There’s even a ‘Report Crime form’ button which works!!! So people, if you want to report crime, just do it.

It was interesting to note that the NSCDC’s MISSION is

* Developing structures and training strategies that would contribute to the national security by using modern technology.

And their VISION:

* To put to work efficiency, humility and integrity in service delivery with a fresh zeal; bring credibility into concept of security.
Hmmm, some people need retraining oo.

This I assume, is the Oga at the Top

How are you folks? :)
So many things going on with me.  -The Job Still loving it. Mr. Just Right - He said those three words for the 1st time yesterday. Miami - My American bloggers, who lives in Miami?!!

Update: Just finding out the Commandant has been suspended here. Wow! Damn! Kudos Nigerians!! Twitterers/Facebookers/Bloggers/Tshirt wearers/Song Mixers.
Finally. Finally. I am feeling your power!!


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