Friday, March 22, 2013

This is Oyiboland - The Good, Bad, The Ridiculous

Source - fancyhouseroad.com

The English Potato
Wonder what the main constituent of your diet will be if you live in Britain? Potato it is. Also called spuds, batata, It can be eaten fried, mashed, baked, waffled, crisped, boiled or roasted. Let me help you quantify its consumption.. Annual potato consumption per Briton is 102kg compared to 3.2kg in Nigeria. What is Nigeria’s potato equivalent? Rice/Yam or Cassava?

Cost of Exotic Food

I bought this half tuber of yam for £1.85 (N444) on Monday. As if to rub my nose in it, later in the evening, I saw this picture. According to Ben Ezeamalu (picture source) , these 4 tubers sold for N400 somewhere in Niger State. I miss Naija!

The Annual Vacation
While it took prayer and fasting to get my 21 day annual leave approved at my workplace in Nigeria, here in the UK it is a fundamental human right. Holidays are approved, planned and paid for 6 months ahead of time. And it is not for the rich only. It is your taxi driver going to Disneyland in Paris with kids, the waitress at Burger King looking forward to a few weeks in Sunny Spain with friends, etc.
I saw a Bank advert in the Metro – "If only people spent as much time planning their mortgage, as they do planning their annual holiday" must be a quote from one exasperated bank officer.

Summer Time Activities
At work I regularly deal with personal data and I’ve noticed that birthdates in April are in the majority. Out of curiousity I did a back-trace to conception month – July. Wink wink. Made in Summer babies.

Poverty in Britain
There are 3.6 million children living in poverty in the UK today. That’s 27% of children, or more than one in four. But growing up in poverty in Britain ranges from being cold, going to school with soggy chips and cold fish fingers in their lunch boxes, not being able to join in activities with friends and/or not being able take their children on holiday for one week a year. Go figure!

Governmentalised Reproduction
There’s this indirect nudge and approval of 4-member families (2 parents and 2 kids). It is seen in tax rebates, holiday discounts, cinema tickets, etc. If you are planning on a third child, be warned, s/he is gonna cost you!!
     Another area is school registration. In England and Wales, 1 September is the cut-off date for school entry therefore babies born in late August (25-31) tend to be the smallest/youngest in class (studies indicate some disadvantage) while September babies mean oldest in class and one more year of child care for parents. 
Smh…. why don’t they just use the good old height method?
Parents kindly durex it in November. Thank you from an August Kid

*Governmentalisation: “wherein our behaviours are being regimented and controlled by institutions”.

Bad Parenting can put you in jail
I read in the papers recently that over 10,000 parents in Britain have been convicted over their child truancy in school. First there are warnings, then fine. Then prison. Interesting law. I likey!!


The Favourite child
The best child in most homes is the house pet. It gets the best seats, the warmest spots, the choicest morsels as a matter of course. Cats and dogs, parrots and guinea pigs are excused behaviour which if seen in the children of the household might end in assault. They are deemed, by their owners, to be incapable of almost any misdemeanour. So when dog bites man, it is always man's fault, even if he is just a passer-by. Everyone in the vicinity will sympathize with the owner's disclaimer, "Twinky wouldn't hurt a fly!".

Domestic Abuse vs Animal Abuse
I was asked the following questions in a quiz during training. What percentage of Brits would report their neighbor if they witnessed them kicking an animal? 25%  50%  75%
What percentage would report their neighbor if they witnessed them kicking their spouse/partner? 25%  50%  75%
A price for the first person with the right answer.

Young Men and Domestic Violence
British men are not much different from their Nigerian counterparts in their understanding of domestic violence. 1 in 5 young British male think that violence against women is acceptable.

Polite Britain
Excuse me, Thank you, Sorry and a smile (grimace) are part and parcel of every conversation. In a restaurant, you will say thank you when you get the menu, thank you when you place the order, thank you when get your dishes, thank you when the waiter takes away the plates and even thank you when you pay! You'll have to say "excuse me" if you want to pass someone and "I'm sorry" if you accidentally touch someone. British people even say sorry if you stand on their toes!

Rude Britain
On the con’s side the ubiquitous use of f**k off cannot be overlooked.
Maybe all that repressed polite behavior has led to a rebellious youthful Britain that uses that ‘f’ word like its becoming extinct.

The British Weather
The British Weather is a sure conversation starter anytime!!!! "Nice weather innit?" "I hear its snowing throughout next week". 
You don't blame them though. Their weather functions like it was under the whims of Harry Potter and cronies. Rain, snow, sunshine, hailstones all in one day.
By the way, "Drought" means that it didn't rain for a whole week in July!!

The British Weather and Transport Inefficiency
It never fails to amaze me how 2 inches of snow grinds the country to a halt. Schools close and the whole rail network shuts down. Half a million cars are stranded on the M25 and everyone clears the shops out of bread and milk. I can’t forget the 4 inches of snow that closed Heathrow for 4days in Dec 2010 (remember this post) meanwhile Norway’s Intl airport was up and running in Hrs after 12 inches of snow.

Transport Costs:
A return ticket from Newcastle to Amsterdam (within Europe) is as cheap as £48. A return train ticket from Newcastle to London (same country) costs £121. Somebody help me understand?!!

  
Your Right to Choose Death
Firemen and paramedics (doctors too) cannot render aid or treatment unless a person asks for or consents to it. The police can intervene and remove a person against their will if they constitute a threat to others in the vicinity (like a man in traffic, or on a train track etc) but other than that, they must wait until help is asked for. Eg....the suicidal man who walked into the sea in public glare and subsequently drowned was watched on by a rescue team.

Am I wrong? :)

24 comments:

  1. Ahahahahaa,,,,so intresting to read.
    I like the polite Britain o.
    And the answer to your question is 75% will report animal abuse, while 25% will report domestic abuse which automatically explains the last paragraph!....Humans have freewill but animals don't. So they watched the man commit suicide because it was his choice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The pet-loving is what I don't understand either!
      They want to discourage population boom and improve the economy.
      Yes, the school system is annoying o. So,they target getting pregnant during summer, and give birth in April...so they are still behind september!..ahahha

      Delete
    2. Pets are loved more cause they are low maintenance na. And they love you without question. human beings even your own children dey too make demands.

      The school system is annoying but child shall come when it wants. Chikena.

      Thanks for commenting.
      Just realised I havent given the answer to that question. Next post!

      Delete
  2. LOL
    Agree with Ib re 75% (animal abuse) and 25% (spousal abuse)

    RE: Potato...I am not a fan but I admire the way Oyinbos make something little stretch far. Take pasta (basically flour, salt, eggs and water) .....and we have varieties like spaghettini, spagehettoni, fussili, vermicilli, bugatini etc etc. You gotta admire the creativity

    RE: School dates. Very true but I have to say that - from experience, by the third year, any intellectual advantage the older kids might have over the younger ones usually disappears (especially if the young child has lots of support from home)

    RE: Swearing.....Yes, I'm really polite but if anyone tries to disrespect me outside, I'll get all 'East-End' on them. LOL

    Brilliant write up.
    Hope all is well

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you would notice the pasta creativity is actually all italian i think..

      Delete
    2. I am alright NIL. Thanks for asking :)

      Still trying to imagine you get all 'East-end' on anyone. Person go bow!
      Research indeed shows the younger ones catch up after a while.

      lol@psta varieties. The thing tire me sef. All na same.

      Delete
  3. Fun read! That yam..ehn.. nawa sha lol. It's pretty much the same in my area-- overpriced! I hear a lot about the British weather.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I would love to live in London if it weren't so pricey and if you guys didn't spell everything weird lol.

    Re: Potatoes- i always wondered why white people don't eat rice like everyone else but i guess thats the answer lol.

    Re: Transport costs- i've always assumed that things like that happen because someone is pissed that you are making them take you around the corner lol. I remember in NY when i would want to take a taxi to another part of town, it always cost $1-3 more than if i wanted to go to the next town over.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Totally agree. Funny enough, weather wise, and even food, this place is not much different. I'm not sure I agree with you on allowing someone to die. Unless it puts a rescuer in danger, I think suicides are prevented and euthanasia is against the law.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Interesting.. Some similarities to Canada:
    A favorite Canadian potato dish is poutine;
    Canadians go on vacations like crazy as well;
    lol @ the favorite child but I get what you mean - I have also seen Canadians who will rather have a pet than a child; and when you see them talk about their pet, you'll think they're talking about a child. What with pets having grooming salons, day care centres and get-away resorts..
    Most conversations here also start with the weather...though the weather never stops things from going as normal. even in -45 degrees with tons of snow(brrrr);
    Travel costs is the same as well. Most Canadians will rather travel to the US or Mexico than within Canada. Why? Cos of the huge difference in prices. I guess its the land mass plus taxes :-?

    And finally, Canadians are very polite. Seems like I just wrote a mini post as my comment. lol. Hope you've been good!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Eya! Sorry about your half tuber of yam. That's sad. I agree pets are ridiculously spoiled in the UK but I had no idea that you couldn't get help unless you asked for it. Some suicidal people are not in a mental position to ask for help but they need to be helped anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. I agree with you on this part "Some suicidal people are not in a mental position to ask for help but they need to be helped anyway." and on your blog post '100 truths about me'...hmm the break up must have been terrible! Sorry about it.

      Delete
  8. Ginger Ginger...your mind must be so complicated with different colours and shapes. Brilliant and interesting post! You are making oyiboland hungry me o....
    Anyway, I added your blog to my blog list, I would be glad if you did the same. Thanks in anticipation. Are you on twitter? @frediliamomodu is my handle

    ReplyDelete
  9. spot on post especially the yams it angers me to bits especially those asian who go weighing and then now say one ridiculous amount..and the weather ohhh absolutely annoying!

    http://aomosale.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
  10. N444 for half a tuber??? Ah! That is serious business. Biko, kilode?

    Interesting observations though lol. The British weather is just on its own o

    ReplyDelete
  11. Please don't remind me about the yam. I bought one almost like it for $15 yesterday and all I could think about were the abokis who sell their yams in wheelbarrows in Lagos

    ReplyDelete
  12. I really like this post..... That "innit" just got me nostalgi

    ReplyDelete
  13. The sound of the ringing register at African stores freak me out. One small bag of "food stuffs" or as we call it in amelika, "groceries" and I am out $50.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I love the Government Reproduction part. A four member family and you are on the government pay check. Wow. And about the yam, the person no lie o. On my campus now, that number of yam goes for that amount, 400naira, or 500naira tops.

    http://josephomotayo.blogspot.com/2013/04/kiss-kissing-kissed.html

    ReplyDelete
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