Friday, April 19, 2013

Pregnancy, An Excuse For Cheating?

My girlfriend said “Nigerian women spend so much of their time teaching women what to do and not to do but no one ever teaches the men anything.”

I agree.

Most men don’t know jack about pregnancy. About their role in pregnancy. After pregnancy. The physiology of pregnancy. The physical drain it is on women. And most women rather than educate their husband, they think there is an award in heaven for being the most long suffering pregnant woman.

That is why we have wives birth and their husbands don’t ever help them carry the baby. Bathe the baby. Change its diapers.
It is women’s work after all.

Most men don’t know their wife’s expected due date. They don’t make plans around it. Make sure they are around. Or have a back-up plan to see she gets to hospital safely.

They don’t understand/appreciate the massive body changes the woman is going through to accommodate another growing being. How much support she needs personally and with household chores etc.

The part I hate the most is the fatigue.  Believe it or not the nausea can be managed with crackers, preggie pops and constant nibbling but I don’t think there is a cure for taking a nap while taking a shower.  I mean, standing for 10 minutes tuckers me out.  And Turtle tried to take a picture of me while I was discreetly trying to get on a WalMart scooter to do my shopping.  I constantly feel like I just completed a marathon.  My OB’s explanation was easy.  Apparently the one’s blood volume doubles in the first trimester, so that means your heart is working twice as hard to circulate all that blood while remaining the same size.

That’s Lucidlilith blogging about her pregnancy. Imagine going through that and your husband still expects fresh okro soup everyday??

Many men are unprepared for the physical change a woman undergoes during pregnancy. The puffy face/eyes, spitting, nausea, vomiting, bulging tummy, paw-paw like breasts. You think you know cause you have seen other pregnant women – colleagues, sisters, your mother.
Wait till it is your size 10 wife now looking like a shapeless whale then you will feel different.

The key methinks is preparation. 
Women, as you read up about pregnancy, share the knowledge you discover with your husband. Let him expect those changes with you. Share the baby kicking with him. And men, try to research by yourself too. It doesn’t hurt. You made the baby together. Be part of it. Don’t just be a Baby Dada.

On the other hand..Ladies. Sigh

My girlfriend told me about a lady from church who revealed during a baby shower for another lady that her husband only found out she was pregnant when she started refusing him sex.

Jaw drops

First, you are pregnant and you didn’t tell your partner in deed.
Second you were refusing him sex cause you were pregnant? Hold your horses people....there is a difference between refusing sex cause you are not up to it but in this case…she confessed she did not know it was okay to have sex when you are pregnant. Note this lady has had 3 kids.

Church women will not kill me!!

Back to men…
Your wife’s pregnancy/tired/lack of interest in sex is no excuse for cheating. 
I think that is the worst betrayal for any African woman. A woman who has been largely trained to believe that her value lies in being a good wife and mother. Then you call her bluff at the time of her greatest validation. The time you the man should be worshipping at her feet (okay, that was tongue in cheek but you get what I mean)..

Excuses vary from “She‘s no longer interested in sex” (possible husband of above church woman)
To “I don’t find her sexy/attractive with her protruding stomach in the way”  (I encountered that comment recently on Mena’s blog and I can’t explain how sad that made me)
To “her vagina is not as tight as before” (even erections soften with age’. So???)

To those BS excuses I say, you either don’t love your wife enough, are not educated enough or don’t care enough or you are just a plain philanderer. There will always be an excuse for you. 
If tight vagina was so important to you then you should opt for no child at all.
Moreover loss in elasticity of the vagina is not a given. It differs with genetics, age, number of children. But even at that. The vagina has muscles. Like all muscles it responds to exercises like Kegel exercises and use of vaginal cones. You don’t turn your back on your wife for something she has no control over. This is just vagina o!! What if she has a serious disease?
Let’s reverse the circumstances..if you had erectile dysfunction which happens to 52% of men at some point between 40-70yrs, pray, can she go find a man to satisfy her need asides you? 

Did I hear a no? Glad you think so.

Women talk to your brothers, your male cousins, your friends, your husbands. Pregnancy is not for the women’s club only. Save a future marriage. Amen.


  1. Amen!

    That woman who didn't know she could do it while pregnant though, WTH? Did she skip all ante-natal classes?

  2. I don't know Ginger, while i agree with the fact that women are given education overload and men seem to know nothing... i think both parties are to blame, the men for thinking they can do nothing and get away with sitting on their asses and the woman for putting up with it.. when i was pregnant even though i wasn't sick not even for a day ( pregnancy was great for me o), i wasn't sick o but hubby knew i was pregnant because i proceeded to make my life blissful, after all i was the one carrying the weight around no?, since i was unable to eat anything i cooked my self, i had a rooster for buka food and hubby carried a bowl every where in his car and called me for updates before knowing weather to head to the moin moin lady or the amala lady, when he got tired of that he was proactive enough to start sending money to his mum weekly to cook different soups and send it down (my MIL is cool like that), apart from food, there were other things like my evening massages and the baths when i couldn't bend nor see my toes anymore, my hubby believed we were pregnant together so he did these things ( mostly) gladly... my point is.. ladies please marry a nice man in the first place and secondly please note that even when a man is nice, if you allow some trash, he will rise to the occasion.. .. what's that thing my mom used to say in yoruba ( translation is 'the nonsense you will not allow as a rich man, begin to refuse it now as a pauper) ... a word they say is sufficient!

    1. Jemima, I am officially jealous and have learnt plenty!

      You are a wise woman. *wink* and your husband is a worthy man.
      Thanks for giving a personal perspective. Always appreciated.

    2. Thanks Ginger, for the appreciation :) the thing is as a woman, even i, am still learning that if we want our men to step up and take care of us, we have to get out of the way. I think this post by my dear inthemidst says it well,(also read d comments)

      As for pregnancy,i had made up my mind before getting married that my hubby was gonna be pregnant right along with me, abi is it not his child? and since God was so good to give me a smooth ride in pregnancy( labour was terrible though), i still tried to have fun joor, it was my time! blessings!

    3. I like your style jare. Na you sabi enjoy pass. Everybody hear now, if you chook me belle, I don enter enjoinment be dat.

  3. I know this is serious stuff but am I permitted to laugh at "This is just vagina o!! What if she has a serious disease?" .

    I hope our generation will be the change we so desire....let everyone start from their own "yard" to teach sons and brothers. God help us all. Amen

  4. I agree that most men don't get enough if any training, but if we're talking graduates here, some with Masters, surely they can google up stuff? And yes, the wives also have to involve them. Imagine that the baby shower is for women alone, why won't the man feel estranged?

  5. I'm preggie for my thrid child now, so I understand, very well, how easy it is to sleep at the drop of a hat. If it were only the sleep, I would welcome it gladly... a mother needs loads of that, sometimes ;)
    The sheer exhaustion that hits me, sometimes, even when I haven't done any work at all, is just mind boggling. Then, all the body changes...Okayyy, all for a good cause :)

    No matter how 'easy' her pregnancy is, a woman needs tonnes and tonnes of TLC, patience and understanding, from her man, especially.
    I'm having one of those you-just-have-to-lie-down days, so the Mister's already bathed and dressed the kids up. They've been fed too. I'm craving fresh okro soup, so he's blended the ogbono and is cutting up okro now. I would still have to cook the soup, as soon as I get up, but I will do so gladly.. all because of his thoughtfulness.
    He's a man's man, anyday... He just loves his wife enough to be a partner.

    Unfortunately, a lot of Nigerian men, living in Nigeria, don't think it's their place to lift a finger in their homes. To such men, pregnancy has nothing to do with a man and that notion has nothing to do with their level of education or exposure. Sometimes, it's to a large extent, due to the way they have been brought up and also due to various societal attitudes.
    Other times, the wives don't make it clear that they need as much help as they can get and in those cases, the men are not entirely to be blamed.

  6. Amen!!!

    Our men need to be taught a lot of things and I pray to someday marry a nice man like Jemima's husband.

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  9. AMEN!

    I think I would have to go on a course marathon on pregnancy then to make a better pregnancy-husband. But really, I already know some of these pregnancy related issues. Thanks to "Everywoman" and other pregnancy pieces online.

    But really, these things are funny. Those things that come with pregnancy scare men out. They should learn and read more sha.

  10. Hi 5 girl!

    IMHO, it all goes back to the key word COMMUNICATION. In every relationship, 'no holds barred' should be the mantra. that way, you both know that every and anything can be shared. How do u keep a pregnancy from your husband? Even if he was in Iraq, pick up the phone and let him know!

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  12. What's with anonymous 9.24pm?

    Nice post but I have discovered that majority of Nigerian men living in Nigeria are not like Jemima's husband, they are so africanish in their reasoning; but like she rightly opined..'the nonsense you will not allow..'

    Enough said.

  13. Lol @ 'These church women won't kill me'. I wonder why many of them think it's bad to know these things.

    I totally agree, pregnancy is not a one-person affair.

  14. Its commonly said two become one after marriage. If men really understood this,it would make helping out easier.

  15. Great post.

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  16. Some Nigerian men are ignorant of many things, it doesn't even register to some that a woman can be tired. For preggies, I feel their pains a little especially those with ignorant husbands because as a single unpregnant lady, I now how frustrated I get when my dad doesn't understand I am fatigued and wants to bombard me with cooking. Well, wives should educate their husbands and husbands should be more understanding. I think understanding and caring enough to help are key here. Men should also get rid of the mentality that the kitchen and other related functions are meant for women. Well said Ginger!

  17. I shared so much of my pregnancy with my husband he started to think he was pregnant! See him discussing dialation during delivery sef, ah-ahn! (I think I told him to shut it at one point. Oops.)

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    1. Not marrying a man who can't cook sounds really shallow, like the men who won't marry a woman that can't cook. As though the marriage is all about food, like we've come together to eat till death do us part.

      Back to the issue, a man who won't help out in pregnancy just won't help out. He's a selfish man, and no matter how much you try to educate him, he's always probably just gonna tell you that his mum did it all alone and so should you. A caring man however, no matter how illiterate and uneducated about pregnancy he is, would help his pregnant wife. Afterall a pregnancy is quite obvious, and most times you can see how stressed out a pregnant woman is just by looking at her, so what kind of extra education does the selfish man need here, nagging?

  20. Hi Ginger, holy crap you have a lot of comments. Do you think European women taught European men how to be good fathers?

  21. Because I think it's an inherent trait for European men to be better providers for their one woman and their children - due to evolving in a cold climate.

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